Family Feud
by DKM
Summary: Van and Deaq are always getting into some kind of trouble, and usually Billie has to keep them in line. But Van, being the one to take things personally, always seems to get the last laugh, or does he? The first of many bad things to come...
1. Part 1: Wet and Wild With Water Balloons

**Family Feud****   
**_Part 1: Wet and Wild with Water Balloons _

"VAN!" Billie's obnoxious voice boomed through the Candy Store. 

"I didn't do anything!" he yelled back even though he knew it was a lie. Van held back his laughter when he noticed she had booted up her computer and found the nice little wallpaper he had placed on her desktop. 

"What the hell is this?" Billie asked as she pointed to her screen, which showed two girls in a lip lock. 

"I don't… know…" Van replied, trying to hold back his laughter, but was unable to. He burst as she glared back at him. 

Billie knew he had hacked into her computer yet again, and this time, he was going to pay for it. She also knew Van had a habit of doing these things. She had to think real hard about what she was gonna do to him this time. Finally, it hit her… her stun gun! 

'Oh, perfect,' Billie thought, a sly smile coming across her face as she reached into her back pocket while Van continued to laugh as if he would fall over any time soon. She pulled the little device out of her pocket, turning it to the lowest setting (she didn't want to hurt him too much, but just enough to make him remember). 

Billie walked up to Van, the stun gun behind her back. He was laughing so hard he didn't even notice her approach. Billie pulled out the stun gun and shocked him on the arm. 

"OWWWWWWW!" Van cried pitifully, his wail resonating throughout the entire building when he felt the electrical current running through his arm. "That's not funny," he yelled catching his breath "It hurt!" 

"Well, maybe you'll remember that the next time you want to do something this stupid again," Billie said with a snicker. "Now, get this shit off my computer!" she ordered. 

Van rubbed his arm as he clicked a couple of different icons to set the screen back to its default setting, then quickly scurried away from Billie, realizing she was still armed and dangerous. But this wasn't the end of it. He had another little trick up his sleeve to get her back for the shock in the arm. 

"Deaq, give me a hand," Van said once he found his partner in the lounge relaxing on the sofa. 

"Van, what are you doing?" Deaq questioned when he pulled a pack of balloons out of his pants' pocket and threw them to him. "Water balloons? What happened with you and Billie this time?" 

"She shocked me, in both senses of the word," Van answered as he grabbed a handful of the balloons and began to fill them at the sink with several different things: water, whipped cream, and soap. Boy, Billie was in for one hell of a surprise. 

Deaq shook his head, but this idea was intriguing. He followed Van's lead and began filling his own set of balloons. After having finished the entire bag, they placed them in a box for safe keeping, just to make sure Billie didn't find them and use them for her own purposes. 

"So, what's with the water balloons?" Deaq asked as he gently placed the last balloon down on top of the other forty-nine. 

"Billie's gonna get it today," Van replied as he picked up the box and carried it upstairs to the second floor theater seats. He picked the perfect location, one without a car in the way and stood there looking down at Deaq. "This is perfect!" he exclaimed. 

"Van, you'd better be ready for consequences when this little plan of yours is put into play," Deaq warned. 

"I'll cross that bridge when I get to it," Van replied as he came back downstairs. 

"VAN! DEAQ! Get you asses over here!" Billie hollered, her voice echoing through the Candy Store. 

"We didn't do anything!" they both replied in unison as they began to walk towards the originating point of the sound. Billie was standing at the entrance, the keys to her Mercedes in her hand with a scowl on her face. 

"Capt. Perish gave us a quick bust over at the marina. Some little shit is trying to smuggle pot into the country again," she informed them, quickly turning and heading out. 

Van rolled his eyes, remembering the last time he made a bust at the marina. It wasn't a pleasant experience. After all, he was almost turned into a woman. Van cringed at the thought, pushing it to the back of his mind. He grabbed his keys and proceeded to the marina with Deaq, hoping that he could leave the speedboat incident behind once and for all. 

The water balloons would have to wait until later. 

*~*~* 

Van and Deaq walked into the Candy Store followed by Billie. The bust had gone well. As Billie walked into her office to do paper work, Van ran up to the second floor where the balloons were stashed. "Okay, Deaq, you gotta get her out of her office and into the spot," he said. 

"How in the hell am I supposed to do that?" Deaq whispered loudly from the first floor. 

"I don't know, I didn't think that far ahead. I'm sure you can figure something out. Now go!" Van replied. Deaq looked up at his partner and flipped him the bird as he walked towards Billie's office. 

Deaq nervously walked into Billie's office, regretting that he had agreed to do this with Van. "Hey, Billie," he said, trying to get her attention away from the paperwork and keep her out of Van's line of sight all at once. 

"What?" she retorted, not looking up. 

"Could you come here for a second? I think there's something wrong with one of the cars," Deaq replied. 

"Get Van, he's the resident mechanic," Billie flatly answered as she continued to scribble things down in her reports. 

"Even when it's your car?" he asked, quickly getting her attention. 

"What's wrong with my car?" she questioned, getting up from her seat and following him into the showroom. 

Van peeked out from his hiding place on the second floor to see that Deaq had successfully gotten Billie to follow him out of her office. They were quickly approaching the designated area when he picked up his first balloon, making sure it was filled with only water. He wanted to surprise her before he got into the major stuff. When Deaq had Billie positioned right where Van wanted her, he poked his head over the rail and dropped the balloon. 

Billie felt something hit her head then explode, water quickly soaking her dark hair and white shirt as she screamed, "HEY!" and looked up. Van dropped another balloon, hitting her in the face this time. In almost that exact second, Deaq walked up behind her and planted a balloon square in her ass. Billie screamed and ran behind a car, which was where she found Deaq's stash of balloons. 'Oh, you're gonna get it now,' she said to herself and peeked up to throw a balloon at Van, who had made his way downstairs with his arms full of balloons. 

He ducked and sang, "HA HA! You missed me!" as he threw another balloon, which missed his target and hit the hood of the car. Billie moved out from behind it and found Deaq standing unprotected. She snuck up behind him and threw her balloon, hitting him in the neck. 

"Son of a BITCH!" Deaq yelled as he ducked her second shot and dove behind another car where Van had conveniently positioned himself with his stack of balloons. He handed Deaq one filled with cream. 

"On the count of three, we strike. Okay? One… Two… THREE!" Van and Deaq jumped out from behind the car, surprising Billie enough to make her freeze. Both balloons hit her in the face, covering her with cream. Billie stood there, dumbfounded, as she wiped her face, the whipped cream stinging her eyes and filling her mouth. Oh, she was pissed now! 

"YOUR ASSES ARE MINE!" she bellowed, grabbing two balloons as the pair tried to stop laughing and dodge her. She hit Van with a soap balloon and Deaq with a cream balloon. But her assault didn't stop there. Billie grabbed a slew of balloons and ran upstairs where she knew she could easily hit them without fear of being hit back. But even as she tried to dodge Van and Deaq's several throws, she was still hit with the occasional soap or cream balloon. 

"Victory is mine!" Billie yelled at the top of her lungs when she realized Van and Deaq had run out of balloons and started pelting them with hers. Oh, she got them good, to say the least. By the time she reached her last balloon, Van had taken off her soaking shirt and threw it to the floor, his body slicked with a mix of whipped cream, soap, and water. Deaq, on the other hand, had retreated, hiding behind a car and praying that she was done with him. 

Billie focused on Van, who was still panting from the excursion. She walked back downstairs, her last soap filled balloon rolling around in her hand. "Now I've got you where I want you," she told him with a mischievous and almost devilish look in her eyes. 

Billie approached Van with the balloon in hand. He stood up straight and started laughing. "Okay, you win!" he said hoping she wouldn't get him. 

"I win after I bean you with this!" she exclaimed. Van slowly backed away and put his hands up. 

"I give up," he was still laughing. Billie advanced on him causing Van to walk faster. She started to wind up to make her last throw. Van turned around and ran. "Deaq! She's gonna get me! Hit her, will ya!" Van yelled as her ran around the showroom with Billie following him. 

Deaq stood up from his hiding place to watch. Billie had Van trapped between two cars. She laughed and threw her final soapy balloon. He dunked in time to avoid it, but as he stood up again, he saw the mortified expression on Billie's face. He turned around to find Captain Perish standing behind him, his face dripping with soap as he tried to wipe it off without getting it all over himself. 

"Um…" Billie stammered, trying to figure out what she was going to say next. Perish looked like he was going to walk over to her and ring her neck. "There's a really good explanation for this…" 

"There had better be!" he almost yelled, making his way towards her. Billie swallowed, hard. She was in deep shit. But as soon as Perish was finished with her, Van and Deaq would suffer for her misfortune. Just how was she gonna make them pay this time?

Part 2: The Shaving Cream Fiasco


	2. Part 2: The Shaving Cream Fiasco

**Family Feud  
**_Part 2: __The Shaving Cream Fiasco _

"Damn it, Deaq, stop squirming!" Van griped at his partner as he finished lacing up the roller skates on his feet. 

"I don't know Van, are you sure this is easy?" Deaq asked, apprehensive to the whole idea. 

"Yeah, now stand up," Van said as he pulled him to his feet on the showroom floor. 

"What the hell are you two doing?!" Billie yelled as she looked up form her computer screen. 

"Nothing sir!" Van hollered back as he got Deaq to his feet. "Now, all you have to do is move your feet like you are walking," he said as he pulled his partner across the floor. 

Deaq moved his feet as if he were taking baby steps. "Okay, this isn't so bad," he said. 

"Great, now go a little faster," Van told him. 

"NO!" Deaq yelled only to be given a shove by Van. Before he knew it, he was kissing Billie's desk. She looked up from her computer screen, completely surprised and dumbfounded as Deaq slowly lifted himself off of her desk. 

"What the hell are you two doing?" she yelled at him, now getting pissed about the interruption. Van's incessant laughter began to fill her ears as she stood up to find him. He was on the floor behind one of the cars, tears streaming down his face as he continued to laugh at the stunt he and Deaq had pulled. 

"You stupid piece of shit," Billie said calmly as she glared down at him. She offered her hand and Van reached up to take it for assistance. He was halfway up when she let go. He fell back flat on his ass and looked up to see her laughing. 

"Revenge is a bitch, Van," Billie replied, turning around and heading back to her desk as she continued giggling. 

Van sat up and glared at Billie. "You're gonna get it!" he yelled as he got up off his ass. 

Deaq was still sitting on his ass and laughing at her dropping Van. "Here we go again," he said. 

Billie walked back into her office to find Deaq still clinging to her desk. "Here, let me help you," she replied with a mischievous smile. 

"Oh no, I'm fine!" Deaq answered, images of what awful things she could do flashing in his head. Billie pulled his hands off her desk and turned him around. She held on to his shoulders until Van was standing in front of the car, right where she wanted him. "Okay, now reach for the car!" she sang as she gave him a shove. 

"Billie!!!!!!" Deaq yelled as he went sailing in Van's direction. Van looked up in time to see Deaq hit him full force. The impact knocked them both to the floor. 

"Get off me!" Van yelled as he shoved Deaq off his chest and sat up, the scowl present on his face as he glared at Billie again. "You're going down, bitch!" 

"Come and get me!' she taunted, laughing on hell of a sinister laugh that told Van she didn't believe him. Oh, he'd make her believe him, as soon as his ass stopped hurting. 

Van stood and limped his way up the stairs. She asked for it so he was going to give it to her. Deaq pulled off his skates and hurriedly ran up after Van. "We're not gonna have another balloon fiasco are we?" he asked, remembering the last time almost too clearly. 

"No, this is gonna be much better," Van said with that look in his eyes. 

Deaq picked up the darts, "Challenge? I'll win this time." 

Van took a dart and laughed, "You're on!" 

They played darts for a few minutes and were down to the last dart each. This point would tell all. Deaq threw his and got it in the ring right outside the bull's-eye. Van was up now. He needed a bull's-eye to win. What neither guy had noticed was that Billie had quietly made her way upstairs and was watching them. She walked up behind Van. She knew she was asking for it, bit this was more than worth it. Van was winding up to throw the last dart. She had timed it perfectly. 

As he was getting ready to throw it, she yelled with a bark, "VAN!" He threw the dart into the wall and turned on her. 

"BILLIE!! That was not funny!!" he bellowed as Billie and Deaq crumpled into hysterical laughing masses on the floor. 

Van ran a frustrated hand through his hair and walked over to the dart board to pick the darts out of it for a rematch, but with his focus waning to the laughing idiots on the floor, he pricked himself with one of the sharp points. He held back a painful whine and one of his best ideas hit him. He was lucky enough to find Deaq helping Billie to her feet, and she was just where he wanted her. With precision aim, Van threw the dart at her back where it landed right on her ass, the point sticking to her like Velcro. 

"YEEEEOOOOOWWWWW!" Billie screamed as she reached behind her and pulled the dart out of her ass. There was a murderous look in her eyes as she glared at Van. She started to lunge at him, but he back away, making her hit the wall behind him as he laughed at her. 

"It's only fair! You hurt me, so I hurt you back!" Van yelled, referring to the stun gun, as he tried to stay two steps ahead of her, but she was pretty quick, even in three inch heels. 

Billie's eyes narrowed as she came up to face him. "This is NOT over," she warned, then turned around, rubbing her sore ass as she walked back downstairs to her office, fuming that she could let Van do that to her and let him get away with it. But she knew she'd get even. 'Tomorrow,' she told herself, smiling wickedly. 'Tomorrow he's gonna get what's coming to him.' 

*~*~* 

The next morning, Van was running a little late. He had awoken around 8:30 , giving him little time to do anything other than shower and run to the office. He grabbed a few of his absolute necessities, shaving cream, razor, tooth brush, and tooth paste, and shoved them into a small bag, then headed off to work thinking he'd finish up there before Billie caught him. 

Billie was already in her office that morning when Van arrived. She watched as he headed off to the bathroom and reached into her desk to pull out the sling shot she had hidden there earlier that morning. Her intentions were to get him when he least expected it. 

Van left the door open not realizing Billie was already in the office waiting for him. He laid out his things on the counter and picked up the can of shaving cream. That's when Billie saw her opportunity to get him a little worse than he got her. She aimed the sling shot at the can and placed a small sharp rock inside. With a wide smile on her face, she pulled the rubber band back and let it go. 

With a loud POP, the can exploded in Van's hands, its contents flying out in all directions, hitting the wall, the mirror, and most of all, his brand new tee shirt and khakis and his face. Billie tried to hold in her laughter as she approached him, but as she got closer to the scene, she burst. 

Van wiped his face with his clean hand and looked at her, expressionless. He had no idea how to react. He was still in shock about the can exploding in his hand. When he heard Billie's laughter behind him, he turned around to see her holding her sides as she tried to stay upright. 

"Come here!" Van said, stretching out his arms to give her a big bear hug. Billie tried to escape him, but he was already upon her, his arms closing in on her waist as she struggled to get away. Now they were both covered in white goo, laughing hysterically as Deaq approached them, looking a bit confused about what had just happened. 

"Let go of me!" Billie screamed laughing. 

"Never!" Van exclaimed, lifting her up off the floor and spinning her around. 

Deaq just stood at the door speechless. He had gathered that Billie had done something to Van, but couldn't imagine where the white goo had come from. After spinning Billie around in circles about ten times, Van set her down and let her walk. Laughing, she took a step and fell into him. 

"What happened here?" Deaq asked amused by all that was going on. 

"She blew the shaving cream can up right in my hand!" Van replied, wiping the clumps of white out of his hair and shaking them off his hand as he held Billie with the other. "Then I got her back for it." 

"Let me go," she said, gently easing herself out of his grasp and finally gaining her footing, which was still a bit uneasy. "You are such a dick," Billie added with a giggle. 

"I hope that teaches you not to mess with me," Van replied. 

"This is not over yet, Ray," Billie warned, walking out of the building and heading to her apartment so she could change into something else. 'This is just the beginning,' she added to herself with a sly smile. 

"You got that right," Van yelled behind her. He was already planning his attack for the next day.

Part 3: As Twisted As Twister


	3. Part 3: As Twisted As Twister

**Family Feud   
**_Part 3: As Twisted As Twister _

As Billie walked into the Candy Store that morning, she noticed something a little out of the ordinary. A long trail of brown goo led her from the door to her office. At first she thought it was motor oil and that Van was already in the process of getting her back for the shaving cream thing by dousing it all over the place, but it seemed like the trail was too easy to follow. As she came closer to her desk, she saw two words written on top of it in the same brown goo that was on the floor… "U SUK!" 

Billie touched the stuff with her finger to find it thick and goopy. She put it to her nose for a quick sniff and realized it was nothing more than chocolate sauce. Oh, she was pissed now. This stuff would take forever to get off the floor and her desk, but she knew the person that was going to pay for it. 

"VAN!" Billie yelled sharply, letting the sound of her voice echo through the warehouse. She had to think of something more humiliating to do with him other than scrub this place clean with his toothbrush. It would take her a while to figure it out, but right now she was content with her first idea. "VAN!" she yelled again when he didn't answer the first time. 'Where is that little fool?' Billie thought to herself as she walked out of her office and began to look for him. He couldn't be too far away. His car was parked right outside next to hers. 

Van had heard her yell and ran up stairs. He looked over the rail as she walked out of her office. She wasn't going to catch him so fast this time. "Damn it, Van! Get your yellow bellied ass out here right now!" Billie hollered heading upstairs. Did she just call him a coward? 

"I am not yellow bellied ass!" Van yelled as he stood up out of his hiding spot. Oops. Stupid move… He was definitely in trouble now. 

Billie knew that would get him. Van hated to be though of as a coward. "Get down there and clean this shit up right now!'" she hollered. 

"Make me!" Van taunted. Oh, he was asking for it now. 

Billie went upstairs and grabbed him by the ear. "You want me to make you? I will!" she said as she dragged him downstairs. 

"OW! That hurts!" he yelped as she pierced his ear with her well manicured finger nails. Billie pushed him forward, furthering the pain she was inflicting. When they reached her desk, she finally let go. "Has anyone ever told you you're a sadist?" Van asked, rubbing his sore ear. He was amazed that she hadn't given him a piercing. 

"Any more smart ass comments like that and you'll be licking this off the floor," Billie warned as she glared at him and turned around, walking out of her office to get as far away from him as possible just so she wouldn't have to kill him. 'Sadist! I can't believe him!' she thought. 

Van made a face and turned back to the mess he knew he had to clean up by the time the day was over. 

Billie walked around thinking about what to do to get back at him. 'I could pull his spark plugs,' she thought. 'No, that isn't mean enough.' She continued to walk around and ponder what to do. Suddenly she stopped in her tracks. A wicked smile came over her as she came up with the perfect idea. 

Van cursed himself for letting the chocolate sauce sit for so long before wiping it up. It was hard to clean when it hardened. 'What is she gonna do to me now?' he wondered, grabbing a few paper towels from the bathroom and started to clean. He continued to scrub as ideas ran through his head. She could mess up his clothes again. Or she could just as easily, get something that would really bite him in the ass. 'Oh boy, maybe, I shoulda thought this out better,' he said to himself. 

Billie had the perfect idea. She could remember driving down Santa Monica that past weekend and seeing a guy in a gorilla suit passing out flyers for some local pastry shop. She laughed at him at first, and now knew what to do with Van. Oh, this was definitely going to be the worst thing she had ever pulled. She loved it! Now, how was she gonna pull it off? 

As Van continued to scrub the floor on his knees, he heard someone begin to walk towards him and craned his neck to see Deaq suppressing his urge to laugh out. "Chocolate sauce didn't spread out like you planned?" he asked, chuckling at his pun. 

"Shut up," Van sharply replied, his anger reaching the boiling point. "Billie's gonna pay for this." 

"How many times have you said that now? And how many times has she hit you right back?" Deaq reminded. 

"Oh, fuck off," Van retorted. 

"Good luck getting her back this time," Deaq said as he left his partner along to scrub the floor by himself. 

Van went back to scrubbing the floor. 'I'm gonna get her good,' he thought. 'But how the hell am I gonna do that?' his mind retorted. 'Shut up, Van!' he thought back. 'You can't tell yourself to shut up, you're the one making yourself think!' his brain said. 

"Oh god, I'm having an argument with myself!" Van mumbled aloud. 

"VAN!" Billie yelled before he had time to answer himself. He was grateful for her interruption, though. 

"I'm still cleaning the floor!" Van hollered back as he continued to scrub, fearing she had caught him doing nothing for the last few minutes. 

"Get Deaq to finish it. I need you for a special assignment," she replied, walking over to him. Van let out a sigh of relief. He was glad to get away from the floor, and what sweet revenge it was to have Deaq finish the job for him, especially after what he had said. 

"What special assignment?" Van asked as he stood up and threw the dirty towels on the ground at his feet. 

"I need you to do some undercover surveillance for me," Billie answered. 

Was she actually getting over what had happened and giving him a job? Van decided not to think too long about it and replied, "Alright. What am I watching and what's my cover?" 

Billie had to suppress her urge to grin wickedly as she said, "You'll be standing outside the Beverly Hills Hotel. You cover will be this." She pointed to a hideous looking gorilla suit hanging in her office. The color from Van's face drained. She wasn't done with him yet, he realized. "You'll make it look like you're passing out flyers for a local business, but I want you to keep a good eye out for the suspects in your new case." 

All Van could do was nod as she handed him the suit. He couldn't believe Billie was doing this to him. It was absolutely insane! He'd fry outside in the midsummer California heat. Today it was almost ninety outside. The last place Van wanted to be was inside a gorilla suit. He took the ugly thing from her and slowly walked to the bathroom to try it on. 

From behind him, Billie began to laugh softly to herself. Oh, revenge was so damn sweet. There was nothing that could top this, nothing! She ran to her desk and pulled out her camera. She needed a picture to remember this prank by. 

Van walked into the bathroom and looked at the suit. "Damn, Billie, couldn't you come up with something better?" he cursed as he wiggled into the suit. He walked out of the bathroom and was immediately met with a laugh from Deaq. "Shove it!" he yelled. 

Billie was hiding behind him. "Psst," she whispered and Van turned around. As soon as he did, she snapped a picture. "I'm gonna kill you!" Van yelled at her after the sparks in front of his eyes disappeared. "I'm sorry. This is just so..." she said and started laughing. 

"Priceless!" Deaq finished for her as they both burst out into heavier laughter. 

"HA!" Van retorted, glaring at both of them. He would have given them the finger, but his hands were covered by the damn gloves that came with the suit. He settled for sticking out his tongue, but was soon met with another flash. 

"You set yourself up for that one!" Billie laughed as she put down her camera. 

"Oh, fuck you!" Van yelled back as he slipped the ten pound, all encasing mask over his head and began to walk with a very small field of view. "You're gonna pay for this," her mumbled, seeing one more flash go off from Billie's camera before she let him off the hook. Minutes later, he was out the door and at his post in front of the hotel. 

"Why is he in a gorilla suit?" Deaq asked as he turned to Billie when Van was out of earshot. 

"A little payback for the chocolate sauce," she answered. "He thinks he's doing some surveillance for me, but this is all part of my plan." 

"Oh, you're good, a sadist, but good," he replied. 

"Is that the word of the day or something?" Billie said as she turned around, her hands on her hips. Deaq merely shrugged. 

Van walked back and forth in his narrow field of vision, people stopping and staring at him. Billie and Deaq were loving it. 

"Why are you and Van going at it like this?" Deaq asked her. 

"No real reason. Besides, Van started it, ask him," Billie told him. 

"You two are childish, you know that?" Deaq told her. 

"To work with a child, sometimes you have to get down on their level." Billie raised her camera up at Van and snapped a picture in time to catch him running into a middle aged couple. 

Van cursed under his breath as he tried not to hit anymore people. It was getting really hot in that suit and he was getting ready to either puke or pass out. If he wasn't careful, he'd probably get heat stroke. 'Take one for the team,' Van told himself. 'This is for the case. You can stick it out for a little while. So what if Billie is doing this for revenge. If you can put that asshole drug dealer in prison for a long time, it's all good.' The self pep talk wasn't working. All Van could really think about was getting out of that suit and strangling Billie. Oh, if only it were that easy. 

"Billie, I think it's about time that you called Van back in," Deaq said as he noticed him starting to look a little uneasy on his feet. 

"Don't worry about him," Billie reassured. "He's a big boy. He can take it." 

"But Billie," he tried again. 

"Shut up and enjoy the hilarity of the situation. You're never going to see Van in a gorilla suit again. Why waste the moment?" she asked, keeping her camera on him as he moved through another crowd of people. 

Van was getting pretty dizzy. He had gone without water for quite a while now and was wishing he had brought a bottle with him. All too suddenly, the world began to spin. 'This isn't good,' he thought, almost beginning to panic. Finally, it hit him. The heat was way too much and he fell over. 

"Shit, Billie! What did I tell you?" Deaq yelled as he ran across the street to help his unconscious partner. She ran along with him, dodging the traffic. 

"I'm sorry! I didn't know this was going to happen!" she replied. Billie knew she had taken this prank a little too far and only hoped that Van would be alright. 

"Van! VAN! Wake up!" Deaq was yelling as he pulled the mask off his face. He slapped him once, and that's what did the trick. 

"What? What happened?" Van replied, sitting up, a little stunned. 

"Come on, let's get you out of here," Billie added as she slipped her arm around his waist and helped him to his feet. 

"I'm gonna kill you," Van mumbled as he tried to walk by himself, but only fell into her. 

"You can kill me later. Let's just get you back to the Candy Store where it's cool," she said, obviously concerned, something Billie never expected to feel towards her dickhead partner. Once they made it into the warehouse, Billie helped Van out of the suit and quickly threw him a few bottles of ice water as he sat on the couch, obviously dehydrated and exhausted. 

"What…were…you thinking?" Van panted as he tried, without luck, to open the bottle. 

Billie grabbed it and did it for him as she replied, "I'm really sorry. I didn't know you were going to pass out. I really went a little too far this time, and I'm so sorry." 

"Hey, it's alright. Anything for the case, right?" he said, taking a big gulp of the cold fluid. 

"Um…" Billie stammered. Van put the bottle down and looked at her. "About that case…" 

"This had nothing to do with it," he finished for her, obviously a little pissed, to put it mildly. Billie looked away, her regret present all over her face. "Oh, this is low, even for you! You've done some pretty horrible things to me, but this one takes the cake! If I didn't feel so dizzy, I'd probably take you on right now and kick your ass." He took a deep breath, letting the nausea pass, before even considering continuing. 

"Look, Van, I'm really sorry," Billie was sincerely apologizing. "And to make it up to you, you can take a cheap shot at me whenever you want, just not right now. You're too weak." 

"You got that right," he mumbled, laying back on the couch and closing his eyes. It seemed like the world would never stop going around in circles. Billie walked over to the sink and doused a towel with cool water the sat down beside Van, placing the towel on his neck. "That feels really good," he murmured. 

"Get some rest, okay?" Billie replied. "I don't wanna end up taking you to a hospital." 

"Whatever," Van retorted. 

*~*~* 

It was evening by the time Van woke up. He wasn't as warm as he had been earlier, and definitely felt a lot better. He grabbed the bottle of water still sitting on the table beside him and drank it down quickly. He looked around a little and felt like getting even. "Billie!" he hollered. 

She was sleeping in the chair next to him and awoke with a start. "What?!" she yelled as she jumped up. 

Van laughed. "I'm getting a little hungry," he said in his most pathetic voice. 

"What do you want?" Billie asked as she yawned and stretched out across the chair like a big white cat. 

"Pizza," Van answered. 

"I'll order it now," she said, taking out her phone and dialing the number to the local pizza shop that usually delivered to the Candy Store. Half an hour later, they had their large Chicago style pepperoni and mushroom pizza. "Well, dig in," Billie said when she realized Van hadn't reached for the first slice. He took one and began to eat, his mind working overdrive with ideas on how to get her back. 

After finishing the first piece of pizza, Van began to grab for another one when Billie reached out and took the one he was after. Then, the idea suddenly hit him. Van picked up a piece of pizza, and when she was in range, he "accidentally" fell forward and the slice fell on her white silk shirt. 

"VAN!" Billie bellowed as he tried to suppress a laugh. "That was my new shirt, you little dick!" 

"I'm sorry, it was an accident," Van replied, trying REALLY hard not to laugh at his own prank as he put on his most sincere face. 

"Uh, now I have to go and change," she said, getting up and walking over to the bathroom. She tried to wipe the sauce off her shirt with a couple of napkins, but that didn't work out that well. It only made the stain worse. Billie gave up and just took the damn thing off, opting to grab the tee shirt she had just in case something like this ever happened. She was getting used to Van's stunts and thought better be prepared than sorry. 

"Nice shirt," Van commented when she walked back to the lounge in the hot pink tee that sported the word "Spoiled" on the front. 

"Eat shit," Billie growled as she sat down far away from him and grabbed one more slice of pizza before she was finished. The rest of the hour went by pretty slowly as the two of them lounged around in silence, both wrapped up in their own thoughts. Billie thinking about what she'd do to Van next and Van thinking how good he got her this time. 

The silence was shattered when Deaq walked in carrying a bag and a large bottle of water. "I come in peace," he said, standing between them. 

"Alright, Dr. Spock," Van mocked as he reclined on the couch. 

"Have Van and Billie finally kissed and made up?" Deaq replied, imitating that motherly tone. 

"You've got to be kidding me," Billie said as she stood up and began walking out the door. 

"Hold it right there missy," he stopped her dead in her tracks. "You're not leaving until we resolve this problem. I'm sick of working in a hostile environment, and I'm not talking about the field work. What's going on, Billie? Why are you pissed off at Van?" 

"Van ruined my new shirt!" she hissed. 

"It was an accident! Besides, did you tell me I could take a cheap shot at you after what happened this afternoon?" Van nearly yelled back. 

"We never shook on it," Billie answered. 

"I was barely able to get up! How the hell was I supposed to shake on it?" 

"Alright, both of you stop! We're all adults here! Let's start acting like it!" Deaq quickly got between them, stopping the impending argument. "Van, say you're sorry…for everything from the water balloons to the pizza sauce." 

He looked at Deaq as if he were a stranger. "What?" Van asked, his voice going up almost two octaves. 

"Say…you're…sorry," Deaq repeated, this time a little more slowly to get it through his little brain. 

Van crossed his arms over his chest, unable to do what was asked for him. After all, it was Billie's fault. She always started everything. Billie, in turn, put her hands on her hips and waited for his answer. Realizing he was outnumbered, Van finally mumbled, "I'm sorry." 

"Okay, Billie, you're turn," Deaq turned to his boss. 

"I'm sorry," she growled, really not wanting to make that admission. 

"No more bad blood?" he asked them both. 

"No," they replied in unison. 

"Good." Deaq disappeared and came back out with the game and said, "Okay, now lets all play nice." 

He had a big grin on his face, alerting Billie to his idea almost immediately. She rolled her eyes at him and asked, "Are you kidding?" 

Van sat there, crossed his arms, sticking his nose in the air as he said, "I'm not playing with HER." 

"Do we have to have to have another discussion about being adults?" Deaq asked. 

"I'm not the one that needs the discussion," Van quipped. 

"And I do?" Billie snapped back. 

"Children! Enough!" Deaq yelled. He had both of their attention now, and he was going to play on it. "Look," Deaq continued, "maybe a little fun is all we need in our lives right now. Why not tap into our competitive natures with a good old game of Twister? Come on, Van. I know you wanna kick Billie's ass and vice versa. Why not do it in a way that doesn't require sharp or sticky objects?" 

"Alright, fine," Van replied, the idea beginning to appeal to him as he mulled over it. Maybe kicking Billie's ass once and for all would keep her from trying to get him back, but it would definitely never stop his pranks on her, let alone the verbal abuse she'd get for the rest of her life. 

"Oh, my God! The child has transitioned into an adult!" Billie sarcastically exclaimed as she threw her hands in the air. "Alright, Ray, get read for an ass kickin'!" she added in all seriousness. 

"The only one doing the ass kicking around here is gonna be me," Van declared as he glared at her, a determined look in his eyes deep blue eyes. 

"You know what? You two are gonna regret saying that when I kick both your asses," Deaq said. 

'We'll see about that,' both Van and Billie thought at the same time. 

And so the game began, left foot on blue, right hand on red, right foot on green, and left hand on yellow, until finally, Deaq fell over and was out of the game. That left Van and Billie both fighting against each other in what seemed to be the battle of the century, boss against employee. Deaq was really enjoying putting them in the compromising position they were now it: Van pinned beneath Billie, his arms stretched out across a far yellow circle and a closer green circle while his feet stayed firmly planted on red and blue circles all while facing up, trying desperately to hold himself up as she bore down on him with all her weight. 

Billie's position was just as compromising, if not more. Her arms were to either side of Van's as her legs pushed just between his. If she wasn't careful, there was a strong possibility he'd either get a little to happy with their position, or she could possibly turn him into a girl. Whatever the case, she really didn't like being this close, especially since it was having such a provocative effect on her. All too suddenly, she was totally turned on. 

Van tried hard not to think about the way Billie was pressing into him, but he just couldn't help himself. The heat of her body so close to his was intoxicating, as was the scent of her lavender skin. If he didn't watch himself, he'd have one major reason to dig a hole in the sand and stick his head in it. The last thing he wanted Billie to know was she gave him the shivers, and not in that scary way she usually did. 

"Alright, children, left foot blue," Deaq called out, rattling both their thoughts. 

Van was getting ready to move, but just as he picked up his left foot, Billie slipped beneath his right and sent them both crashing to the ground, with her laying flat out on top of him, her lips so close to his that she could actually feel the staggered breath he let out as he tried to get his bearings. Van looked up into those clear blue eyes of hers, stunned. They were both holding their breaths as they realized they were in range for a kiss. 

The tension in the air was almost as thick as the LA smog. Deaq could feel it permeate the room like thick smoke as Van and Billie stared at each other trying to figure out what to do next. He had speculated for the longest time that Van's actions had been to get attention from her, and now it was coming together so perfectly. He had Billie right where he wanted her, and Deaq only hoped he wasn't stupid enough not to realize it. The same went for her. She never would have tried to get Van back if she didn't like him, even remotely. 

Billie was in a daze. She was beginning to wonder why this felt so right. She wanted to close that millimeter wide gap between their lips so badly, but that would mean giving in to her inner most desires, all of which involved a very naked Van Ray. Billie shook the thought out of her head, trying to forget it even came into it. 

Van knew he was holding his breath, but he couldn't help it. He was staring up at the woman he had the biggest crush on ever since they met. If he had it his way, Billie would already be kissing him at the moment, but he had to think about the ethics of such a relationship. If he kissed her, everything would change, E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. And he didn't really want to face that just yet. He was already having a hard time trying to forget his feelings for her by playing these childish games, but, god! It was just too hard! He wanted her so badly it hurt! Oh, if only they were alone. Things would definitely be different then. 

Billie was the first to move, but only slightly. She shifted her position on top of Van so she was a little more comfortable. He quickly let out the breath he had been holding and put his hands on her shoulders to push her up. 

"What are you doing?" Billie asked sharply. 

"Moving you," Van replied with as little malice as possible. "You're hurting me." 

"Oh, sorry," she apologized, sitting up and moving a few strands of her dark hair out of her face. Billie sighed as she stood up and extended her hand to help Van. He didn't take it, fearing that she'd drop him like she usually did. "Oh, come on, Van. I thought we were past all the childish shit," she said as she looked down at him sitting on the floor. "I won't let go this time." He took her hand and she pulled him up. 

Deaq finally let out the breath he had been holding ever since that near kiss between the two of them. "Anybody wanna play again?" he asked, trying to make it look like he had been oblivious to the entire thing. 

"No, but thanks for the offer," Van replied as he started to make his way towards the door. He needed to go home and take a very cold shower. 

"I'll take a rain check," Billie said as she also made a b-line for the door. She was going home and thinking about what happened here, silently thanking the gods that her instincts hadn't taken over. Oh, that would have been a big mess if she had actually kissed Van. No amount of cleaning would have cleared that up. But that didn't mean she'd stop thinking about what could have been. 'Maybe next time,' she thought to herself, a smile coming across her lips as she made the extra effort to look as sexy as she could walking to her car. 

Van took notice almost immediately. 'Damn, she's got a fine ass,' he thought, then quickly slapped himself for it. Unfortunately, he wasn't watching where he was going and slammed into the bumper of his car, causing Billie to turn and look at him then laugh at his stupidity. Oh, she definitely had his attention, now how was she gonna play on it?

AN: Thanks for all your reviews. I appreciate them. Sorry it took so long to update. BTW, Blabbering, The Bill isn't my story. It's ZoZe's. My other one is Allegory of the Club. Sorry for the mixup!  
~D


	4. Part 4: Medieval Punishment

**Family Feud  
**_Part 4: Medieval Punishment _

Van walked into the Candy Store early the next morning. He wanted to get there just to see Billie walk in, though he'd never admit it. Van was in the showroom when she came in and had the perfect view. Billie had worn those jeans on purpose. If they didn't get Van's attention, nothing would. Van looked and tried to launch the basketball into the hoop at the same time, promptly missing the target. 

Billie knew Van was watching and tried to look as sexy as possible walking into her office. She had gotten his attention. She sat in her chair and fiddled around in her drawer and found a little red rubber ball. Oh, the calamity she could cause with this! "Oh, perfect!" she said as she ran up to the lounge where she had just seen Deaq go a minute before. 

Billie ran up and said, "Hi Deaq!" as she looked over the rail for Van. 

"What are you gonna do now?" Deaq asked eyeing her suspiciously. 

"Nothing. I swear!" Billie exclaimed. 

Deaq pointed at the little ball in her hand and replied, "I don't believe you." 

"Just sit back and watch. You may have to take one for the team," she answered. Before he could ask what she meant, he saw Van standing ten feet away. He knew what Billie was gonna do. Before he could stop her, she had launched the ball. 

"Van!" he yelled, causing Van to turn around and get hit right in the middle of the forehead with the ball. 

Billie dove in front of the couch so Van did not see her, but she got up like she had been sitting on the it and yelled, "What did you do?!" 

"What did I do? I'm not the one that threw the ball, Billie, and you know it," Deaq said. Van rubbed his head and picked up the ball. There was only one thing to do now. Get them both. He aimed the ball and threw it so it would go directly between them. 

Billie looked at Van to say something and saw the ball at the last second then jumped out of the way. "Hey! You big jerk! It wasn't me!" she yelled as the ball hit the wall. 

"Bull shit!" Van yelled back. "You'll both get yours when I think of something!" He stammered off towards the bathroom to make sure there wasn't a big red dent in his forehead where the ball hit him. 

Deaq glared at Billie. "Great, you HAD to get me involved, didn't you?" he hissed. 

"Come on, Deaq," Billie replied. "Don't you wanna get him back for the roller skates?" 

"God, Billie! When are you gonna get it through your head that we're all adults here? Stop playing games and just tell Van you like him," he retorted. 

Billie's eyes narrowed as she returned his glare with one even more intense. Deaq was tempted to jump back, fearing she'd pounce him for his assumption. "You think I actually like that little bastard?" she vehemently growled. 

Deaq held up his hands in defense. "After what happened last night, anything is possible," he replied. 

Billie rolled her eyes. "Except for that," she retorted, getting up and walking back downstairs. 

Van was standing in front of the mirror in the bathroom examining the lump forming on his forehead. Whoever threw that ball was definitely gonna pay, and since neither Deaq nor Billie would fess up, he'd just have to get them both. And he knew exactly how, he'd just have to go to the store to get the proper ingredients for what was to be the biggest disaster in history. Van laughed that sinister laugh and stepped out of the bathroom rubbing his hands together. Oh, this was going to be a very good day even though it didn't start out as perfectly as he wanted it to. 

'Oh, shit,' Deaq thought when he saw Van heading out the door. 'He's got that look. God help us all.' 

"And where do you think you're going?" Billie yelled when she saw Van grab his car keys and make a b-line towards the exit. 

"I'll be right back!" he called as Deaq made his way into her office. 

"Thank you," he told Billie. She looked at him questionably. "Now Van is gonna get me too." 

Billie rolled her eyes. "It's probably not gonna be as bad as you think," she replied. 

*~*~* 

Van returned about two hours later, the welt on his forehead growing noticeably, but he was in a considerably happy mood as he walked into the Candy Store, whistling. 'Uh-oh,' Deaq immediately thought. 'This is bad. This is really, really bad.' He knew when Van was in a good mood, it meant he had outdone himself in some way. 

"Van, what did you do?" Deaq asked, a little quiver in his voice. 

"Nothing," he almost sang, giving Deaq a Cheshire grin. 

"Billie!" Deaq yelled as he walked towards his superior's office. "If Van doesn't kill you, then I will!" 

"Calm down," she replied coolly. "There's nothing he could possibly do that I wouldn't know about." 

"Easy for you to say," he mumbled, walking out of the office. 

They spent the rest of the day handling paperwork until it was time to leave. Van couldn't erase the ear to ear grin on his face as he walked out of the Candy Store whistling once more. Deaq shivered at the thought and decided to take a quick look over his car to make sure there was no potato stuffed in the tailpipe and no sugar in his gas tank. After the initial inspection turned up nothing, he climbed inside and drove home. 

Billie basically did the same, only she also inspected the interior of her car to make sure Van hadn't stuck any pins on her seat or crazy glue on her steering wheel. When she was satisfied, she started the car and drove to her apartment. 

Van stayed back a little while and watched them. He laughed to himself when he realized they had absolutely no idea that the real shock would come in the morning. Oh, this was truly shaping out to be his best prank yet. 

*~*~* 

Deaq got up and hopped in the shower, he needed it the eye opener this morning. The water was great. He stayed in for about ten minutes and hoped out. With a towel over his head he stood in front of the mirror he said to himself, "Today, Van's gonna do it today." Deaq pulled the towel off his head and stared. "What the hell?" he said as he wiped off the mirror. He reached up and touched his hair. This was real; it didn't come off on his fingers. "Shit!" he yelled as he went over and smelled the shampoo. It was different. Suddenly it hit him. "VAN" he bellowed. Hurriedly, he dressed so he could get to work and kill the little prick. 

Billie was in the shower, she had woken up late, what a shock and she didn't have a lot of time on her hands. Somehow her alarm had gotten switched to 45 minutes later. She didn't have time to figure out how it happened. She jumped out of the shower and dried off. Instead of putting on lotion, she grabbed her powder. That would be faster. She sprinkled it on and rubbed it in. She ran into the bedroom and threw on her black skirt and black turtle neck. She had an itch, so she scratched. The itch just got worse. Soon she was itching all over. She went into the bathroom and took out her powder. It said "Itching Powder." 

How in the world had that gotten in her cabinet, she wondered as she itched. This itching was driving her nuts! As she continued to scratch, images of Van's cocky little smile flashed in her head. Had that little bastard broken into her place and planted this? 

Oh, he was SO dead when she got a hold of him! 'I'm gonna cut his balls off with a butter knife!' she thought. A satisfied grin crossed her lips. She stopped itching for a second and then started scratching like a flea infested cocker spaniel. She stopped scratching and ran out the door to get to work so she could kill the stupid son of a bitch. 

Van made it to the Candy Store early that morning. He laughed when he thought of what those two were doing right now. Van knew he was in for it when they got there. He sat down in Billie's office so he wouldn't miss a thing. Soon enough he heard the door slam open. 

"Van, you little weasel! Get your ass out here!" It was Deaq. This should be great. Deaq came around and Van busted a gut when he saw his bleached blonde hair. "This IS NOT funny!" Deaq yelled. Van laughed harder. He knew it was only a matter of time until Billie came arrived. He would be so dead at that moment, so he decided to enjoy this now. 

Deaq continued yelling at Van using various profane words. Van got a kick out of the whole thing. Then it happened. The door flew open with a bang. "Van, you worthless little shit, where are you?!" Billie hollered in her most obnoxious voice. 

"In here, sweetheart!" Van sang, causing Deaq to stop yelling and snicker. "I am gonna kill…" she yelled and then stopped and stared. Still itching she eyed Deaq. "What happened to you?" she asked trying not to laugh. 

"Well, because you told Van I did it, he got me!" Deaq yelled at her. 

"You look like Sisqo," she giggled. After Billie stopped laughing at Deaq's hair she went back home and took another shower. She came back about an hour later and sat in her office peeling a banana. "Deaq!" she yelled. 

"I'm trying to eat lunch damn it!" he called from upstairs. 

"Get down here, NOW!" she hollered. 

Deaq walked down the stairs and into Billie's office. "What?" he asked, not amused by the smile on her face. 

"Well, Blondie, I need you to do me a favor," she said, laughing a sinister laugh. 

"Oh no!" he quickly rejected. 

"You want to get Van back for the hairdo, don't you?" she played on his feelings. 

"Well, yeah, but..." 

"Then help me out! You only need to do one thing for me." 

"What is it?" he asked, intrigued now. 

"Put this banana peel at the bottom of the stairs and I'll call Van down." 

Deaq loved the idea. He knew what would happen but he didn't want to think about that. He put the banana peel at the bottom of the stairs and went back into Billie's office. 

Billie walked out and stood a bit away from the stairs. "Van, get your pathetic ass down here, now!" she yelled. 

Van came running down the stairs. "What do you want no... Whoa!" he yelled as he stepped on the banana peel and slid across the floor. Seconds later, he was in the air and heard a loud ripping sound right before his head hit the bottom step and knocked him unconscious. 

"One of these days, we're gonna kill each other, you know that?" Deaq said as he nudged Van with his foot to make sure he was out. 

"Yeah," Billie replied nonchalantly. 

"Now what do we do with him?" he asked. 

"Leave him," she answered, turning and walking back to her office to finish lunch. 

Deaq kneeled down beside his partner and said, "Van, wake up," as he shook his shoulder. "Come on, man. I know you're a lot tougher than that." 

Van groaned as his eyes slightly opened. "The walls, the stars, so pretty," he mumbled incoherently. Deaq helped him sit up. "Why is the world spinning?" Van asked, closing his eyes to keep himself from getting sick. 

"Because you probably have a concussion," Deaq replied, getting Van to his feet and up to the lounge where he found an ice pack. Van lay back on the couch ready to fall asleep. "NO!" Deaq yelled, startling him up. "If you fall asleep now, you're never going to wake up again, and I don't think Billie would like that." 

"She'd probably love it," Van murmured, placing the ice on the back of his head where he hit the stairs. As he sat there wishing the world would stop spinning, he noticed the big hold in his pants. He groaned, more pissed about his pants than Billie's latest practical joke. "God, I hate that woman," he growled. 

Deaq smiled and thought, 'Yeah, right,' as he sat down across from Van. "How do you plan on getting her back this time?" he asked, figuring that's what Van was thinking now. 

"I don't know," he mumbled, his eyes staying closed. It felt as if he had too much to drink or something. "She's gonna pay, though, in a painful way, painful and embarrassing. This is the second time she managed to knock me unconscious and all I have to show for it is giving her a sore ass, in both senses of the term. How am I supposed to top the gorilla suit?" 

"I dunno," Deaq shrugged. "What'd they used to do in medieval times?" 

Suddenly, the idea hit Van so hard he was almost reeling. "I got it!" he exclaimed. "Tar and feathers." 

"Tar and feathers?" Deaq asked. 

"Tar and feathers," Van restated. "Right when she least expects it." 

"And when is that supposed to be?" 

"The next bust, out in public, you know, adds to the whole medieval theme of public humiliation." 

"Van, I think you've earned the title of sadist." 

"Thank you, Deaq." 

Deaq shook his head. His partner was really turning into the devil. He only hoped that Billie wouldn't get hurt in the process, but then again, she deserved a little pain after what she's done to Van. 

*~*~* 

The next day rolled around slowly. By that time, Van had purchased the highest quality tar and feathers he could find and stashed them in his car, waiting to be used that afternoon right after the bust. Oh, Billie was definitely gonna get what she was asking for. His head was feeling a little better even though a doctor had confirmed he had a concussion, but that didn't stop him for getting to work early just to watch Billie walk in as she usually did, all hot and sexy. That day she had chosen to wear a red tube top and a pair of tight fitting black pants that really accented her curves. 

'Damn, that girl got a fine ass,' Van thought as she walked past him, a gleam in her sky blue eyes. He smiled. Soon enough, that gleam would be gone. It was only a matter of time before he'd extract his revenge for the banana peel and the gorilla suit. He couldn't wait to see the look on her face when the tar spilled all over her head and body, then the feathers covered the rest. 

Billie raised her hand and smacked Van in the head when she realized he wasn't paying much attention to anything at the moment and asked, "How are you feeling today?" 

Van rubbed the back of his head as he replied, "Worse now that you're here." She smacked him again. "Ow! What was that for?" 

"That was for being the smart ass that you are," Billie answered, walking away from him hurry. She had a lot of work to do before their bust went down that afternoon at the theater in downtown LA. She had to call SWAT for backup and a few of her buddies on the force that she usually used as plain clothes officers to help her with busts if Van and Deaq couldn't pull them off without a hitch, which was almost too frequently. 

Deaq finally walked in an hour later, his bleached hair covered by a bandana. Van managed to swipe it off his head in one quick motion. He laughed and asked, "Dude, when are you gonna get that fixed?" 

"Soon," Deaq retorted, trying to get the bandana back from his so called partner who continued to patronize him as he ran around the Candy Store. 

Deaq ran after him, pissed as all hell until Billie yelled, "Will you two children stop messing around and get in here?" 

Van threw the bandana to him as they walked into Billie's office together to find her sitting there staring at her computer screen intently. 

"What do you want, Billie?" Van asked, well, hissed is more like it. He was having fun, but she always managed to cut it short. 

"I want you to stop acting like the overgrown children that you are and start acting like cops. You guys need to get to the theater and plant as many listening devices and cameras as you possibly can. Remember, you only have three hours, so make it good. And I want a full report when you're done. I seriously hope we catch these bastards or we're in deep shit. Got it?" she barked, getting their attention. 

"Yes sir," both men replied in unison. They walked off towards the parking lot and got into Van's car. The moment was finally upon him to get the payback he so desperately wanted. 

Billie, on the other hand, took her sweet time getting ready. She was almost too relaxed as she waltzed out of the Candy Store and to her car. She checked her watch to make sure she was on time and saw she had just enough of a gap to grab some coffee before heading to the theater to meet her crew and pull the bust. She hadn't gotten a call from neither Van nor Deaq and assumed that they were still wiring the place when in fact Van was setting up his best prank yet. 

He had Deaq help him hoist the large tub of tar onto the marquee of the tiny theater after they had installed all their equipment into the tiny theater, which included the outside right below them where Billie would surely be standing when the bust was over, taking the credit as she usually did. Van snickered to himself when he realized there would be cameras everywhere to catch the action. This was definitely gonna make front page news, Van thought with a wicked smile. 

"Now what?" Deaq asked once he had the last bag of white feathers sitting on the marquee right beside the tar. 

"We call Billie," Van replied as he took his phone out of his pocket and dialed his boss. 

Billie heard her cell ring just as she approached a stoplight and as she reached over to the passenger's seat to grab it, her coffee spilled on her lap. "SHIT!" she yelled as the hot liquid quickly seared her inner thighs. She grabbed a napkin and quickly began to wipe the stuff off as she continued to reach for her phone. "What do you want?" Billie barked at the person who had caused her to spill her coffee. 

"Everything's in place," Van replied, realizing he had caught her at a bad time, but that didn't really matter to him. 'Soon,' he thought happily. "The guys should be arriving soon." 

"Well, get your ass in the theater then and stop talking to me!" she spat, hanging up when the light turned green and throwing the phone back onto the passenger's seat. 'God, this is NOT my day,' Billie thought, shaking her head as she continued to drive and wipe her pants at the same time. 

When she arrived at the theater, she noticed the infamous delivery truck parked on the other side of the street. She just needed either Van or Deaq to message her and she'd give the signal to storm the place. Milling around her were the plain clothes officers she had just in case the bust didn't go as planned. Billie decided to keep trying to get her pants dry until her messenger went off, but that proved to be a stupid idea since seconds later, she could feel the familiar buzz coming from her pocket. She pulled the messenger out and threw up her hand, signaling the guys in the delivery truck to run into the theater. 

Billie got out of her car, gun drawn, and followed them inside where Van and Deaq were cuffing the two thugs they had been after for a while. She smiled, glad that the bust had gone without a hitch and put her gun away. It was about time she went and changed her clothes back home, but she was stopped by several other officers in order to file reports. They dragged her outside in the sunlight where they could see as Van and Deaq made their way up to the marquee. 

"Okay, okay, I'll get to you in a damn minute!" Billie yelled at one of the officers. She hated this part. The sun was bright and there were people everywhere. She put her signature on yet ANOTHER piece of paper and walked away. 'Oh, lovely, the news is here!' she thought sarcastically, wishing that everyone would just go away/. Well, they had another detective so she wasn't worried. 

Van and Deaq were on top of the marquee with the buckets and saw Billie was not at the mark yet. She continued walking around talking on her cell with someone. Finally, she hung up and the officer who inches from the mark called her over. "Deaq! Look, she's gonna be in the spot!" Van said jumping up and down. 

"I know you're excited, but if you don't calm down, you'll give yourself a hernia, so chill!" Deaq laughed. 

Billie was talking to the officer and the news crew slowly focused on them. An attractive female reporter was talking about the case, which didn't go unnoticed by Van. "Dude! Cameras! Let's go!" he exclaimed, getting even more excited. 

Deaq grabbed the bucket of tar and Van the feathers. "Remember, two seconds after I dump the tar, you dump the feathers," Deaq told him. 

"Okay! Now do it before the camera pans away, would ya!" Van yelled. 

Deaq looked down at an unsuspecting Billie and laughed. "She's gonna fired us, you know that right?" Deaq said to Van. 

"I know. But this is so worth it. Now do it already!" Van said insistently. Deaq looked down and dumped the tar. 

Billie was flirting with the cute officer who had asked to talk to her when she felt something thick, black, and extremely sticky. "What the FUCK!" she yelled, realizing the sticky stuff on her fingers was tar. She looked up just as Van dumped the feathers. They flew down all over her tarred body, plastering themselves to the black goo as the camera zoomed in. She opened her eyes after wiping the feathers away to see Van and Deaq looking down at her and exploding into fits of laughter. 

"YOU FUCKERS ARE SO DEAD!" Billie hollered, pointing up at them with a very angry finger. 

Van and Deaq came down to get a closer look at the damage they had caused. Van was still laughing and Deaq hoped she wasn't going to fire them. Billie was nowhere to be found. Van and Deaq milled around with the other officers talking about their prank and what she was gonna do to them for it. Suddenly they saw her in the ally talking to the news crew. As the leaned against the wall they heard her talking about how her officers must've gone off their medication! 

"Yeah, they're two very high strung children that still need Ritalin in order to function properly. I don't know how I could have let them leave the department without their meds," Billie was saying with a very wide smile on her half black, half feathered face. 

Van's jaw dropped. There was no way he was letting her get away with that!

Part 5: Bulletproof...Yeah Right!


	5. Part 5: Bulletproof Yeah Right!

**Family Feud  
**_Part 5: Bulletproof… Yeah, Right! _

Van was sitting at Billie's desk, nervously watching the clock on her computer as the minutes slowly ticked away. Billie was almost never late for work, unless he had done something to make her late like the itching powder a few days ago. But he knew better. She was planning something, something really big, against him and Deaq. Oh, there were so many possibilities; he really didn't just want to pick one. If he were Billie, they'd probably be sitting outside baking in the sun with animal suits on, but that's already been done, so next idea… 

Van kept staring at the clock, and waiting. The minutes ticked by so slow. He leaned pretty far back in the chair thinking of the possibilities of what she was planning. She wouldn't just sic Captain Parrish on them because that would just be mean. What would she do? 

"Van!" Deaq came in the office and yelled. Van's eyes flew open. 

Deaq's voice startled him and threw off his balance. He started to tip back. It was a little too late by the time he realized what was happening. 

"Whoa, shit!" Van yelled as he hit the floor. 

Deaq looked at what he had caused and laughed. "You okay man?" He asked walking over to the other side of Billie's desk to help his partner up off the floor. When he got there he continued to laugh. 

"This is not funny!" Van said getting up off the floor. 

Deaq stopped. "Okay, it's not funny. Seriously though, where the hell could Billie be? She's never late," Deaq replied seriously. 

"I know, that's what's freaking me out. What if she went all out trying to get us back? What the hell is going all out?" Van started asking then heard the door slam shut. He and Deaq looked in its direction to see Billie walking in, the smile so big on her face that it was almost unnatural. 

"Oh, shit," Van mumbled as his face went slack. She was definitely on the defense this time. 

"Hello, boys!" Billie chirped as she stepped into the office. "How are you?" 

Van and Deaq looked at her funny. "Billie, are you alright?" Deaq asked. 

"I'm fine," she replied. 

"But you're happy," Van pointed out. 

"At least we know your observation skills are still working," Billie retorted getting back into her usual mood. She knew she was giving off that danger vibe, and couldn't risk her well planned attack getting foiled this late in the game. Hell, she spent nearly four days setting this up. She wasn't about to let Dumb and Dumber screw it up. "What the hell are you two doing still standing around? Go do something!" she barked. 

"That's the Billie I know," Deaq replied happily, seeing that she was getting back to her usual bitch mode. He and Van walked out of her office and started to busy themselves with fixing odds and ends around the Candy Store. Van decided to tune up one of the cars, calling Deaq over to help him every so often. 

Van called Deaq over to help him on one of the cars. "So, what do you think she is up to?" Van asked. 

"I think she was just trying to freak us out," Deaq answered. 

"Are you sure? We did get her pretty good. She could be planning something REALLY big," Van told him worried. 

"I wonder what really big means in her terms, like if it involves some kind of explosive or the entire police squad," Deaq replied. 

"Whatever it is, I have a feeling that it's gonna happen soon and it's gonna be bad, really bad," Van said as he looked in Billie's direction to see her bobbing her head in time to some song she was playing off her computer. He inched his way closer to her office, praying that she wouldn't turn around suddenly and see him, just to sneak a peek at what she was listening to in order to gauge her mood. 

"I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint. I don not feel the shame. I'm your hell, I'm your dream, I'm nothing in between, you know you wouldn't want it any other way," Billie sang along softly as she filled out her paperwork. 

Van retreated quickly, and gave Deaq a very scared look. "What, man?" he asked, already knowing what he was going to say. 

"She's listening to 'Bitch,'" Van gravely replied. "And she's singing along." 

"Shit, Van! What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do!" Deaq was nearly frantic. The magnitude of Billie's venture into revenge was beyond anything they had ever thought possible. 

"I suggest we sneak out of here NOW," Van said as he ducked behind the car he had been working on. He motioned for Deaq to follow him towards the back door where they thought they'd make a clean exit. He was the first one to venture out into the open, Deaq following several feet behind. 

Van snuck out the door. He was met with the dark back alley. Quickly walking down the narrow passage, he turned around only to be met with a blue sky. "It's safe" he called out to Deaq. Suddenly two men stood up from behind trash cans with large guns aimed at Van and started pulling their triggers. "Shit! What the..." he yelled as he hit the ground, searing pain running through his body. 

The men fired five rounds on him and then called Billie on her cell to tell her the job was done. Deaq ran out into the lot and rolled Van over. "Van! You okay?" he asked. 

"OW!" Van moaned as lay on his back. 

Billie heard the screams coming from outside and stood from her chair, a wicked smile coming across her face. Van had fallen for her plan so perfectly it almost made her wish he had been a little smarter. But come on, she couldn't have everything. She was just happy to get some payback for the tarring incident. Billie came out of the Candy Store and looked at Van as she laughed. She walked over to the guys with the weapons and shook their hands. They said their goodbyes and went their separate ways. 

"What did you do to him?" Deaq yelled at her. 

"Relax the bullets were rubber," Billie said still laughing. 

Van wanted to leap up and strangle her, but the numbing pain in his stomach, chest, arms, legs, and ass was overwhelming, making him fall back down at every attempt he made to get up. "I think I'm just gonna sit here a little while before I even try to get up," he told Deaq as he lay back on the concrete and stared up at the blue sky in a daze. 

"You want some ice?' Deaq asked. 

"Yes, please," Van groaned. 

Billie was now inside, reveling in her own accomplishment as she sat down at her desk and booted up her computer to check and make sure that the surveillance cameras caught everything. She couldn't wait to show everybody this tape. It was the best revenge yet, especially since copies of her own little embarrassing moment were quickly beginning to surface at the precinct. She knew the guys were probably also behind that, but decided not to think about it any further. She had extracted her revenge and was ready to move on to another case. 

"Billie!" she could hear Deaq's voice echo through the Candy Store. Billie turned around to see him making his way towards her office with a very angry glare in his eyes. "Why is it that you love to hurt Van so much?" he asked. 

"Whatever do you mean?" Billie asked, mocking innocence. 

"You know exactly what I mean," Deaq answered as he stared down at her. "Stop acting like he's a worthless piece of shit and tell me the truth. Do you have feelings for him?" 

Billie looked away, unable to answer the question. How the hell could she tell Deaq she had an enormous crush on Van? It was wrong. It was nuts. But it felt so right. Oh, why did she have to be such a bitch towards him? It did send a pang of regret deep within her to see him in so much pain, but she couldn't help herself. It was the only way she knew how to deal with problems. Finally, she thought of the perfect line to feed him and keep her emotions in the dark. "I do, but not the ones you're thinking." 

"Bull shit," Deaq replied. "I've seen the way you two have been looking at each other. I know you wanna tell him. Why don't you stop the childish pranks and do it? It'll be so much easier on all of us." 

"Don't try to get me to admit something that's not true," Billie snapped as she narrowed her eyes at him. 

Deaq knew to back off at that moment or he'd be worse off than Van. "Alright, Billie. Keep it all bundled up inside, but when something really horrible happens to Van, I hope it's not too late," he said, walking out of her office towards the fridge in the lounge to grab the ice he had promised Van. 

Billie sat there in her chair contemplating what Deaq had just told her. She knew sooner or later she'd have to face the music and finally get this off her chest. But there was something in his voice that made her want to do it this second. It was almost an ominous tone that scared her to death thinking it could possibly be true. What if something bad really did happen to Van? Could she live with herself not telling him what she really felt? 

Shaking the thoughts out of her head, Billie quickly became angry. This wasn't supposed to be happening to her. Oh, she was pissed at Deaq now. She'd get her revenge tomorrow though. She wanted to let everything sink in today. 

Deaq walked back outside carrying a bag of ice. Van had managed to sit up on his own, propped up against the wall, but the pain he felt was almost unbearable. Pulling up his shirt, he could see the black and blue welts appearing on his chest and stomach. His arms and legs were the same way. This week was definitely going to be hell on earth for him. He only prayed that Billie would let him go home for the rest of the day to recover. Van was more than happy to see Deaq arrive with the ice. 

"Billie is such a bitch," Van said after catching the ice and placing it wherever he was sore. He winced feeling the cold against his skin, but was glad it was there. As the pain lessened, he began to relax a little, continuing to use the wall as his support. Deaq sat down next to him, a worried look on his face. 

"If Billie could do this to you, I'm afraid of what she'll do to me," he told Van with a sigh. 

"Don't worry, she'll probably go easy on you since she likes you more that me. Unless you count the Alexa thing, but seriously, you don't piss her off as much as I do," Van replied, letting the ice pack fall onto a very purple welt near his thigh. 

"The way I se it, you're trying to piss her off," Deaq said. "You do all these stupid things in order to get her attention. My question is why? Why do you wanna get Billie's attention? It seems to me that the only plausible explanation is that you like her, and don't even try to deny it. I've seen the way you watch her come in every morning. It's like you're off in your own little world and you don't even realize that you're drooling." 

"That's bull shit," Van vehemently denied. "That's got to be the biggest load of crap to come from your mouth in a long time. There is no way, no possible way, that I could ever like Billie as more than just a friend. Remember what I told you? She's the hottest chick I never wanna have sex with." 

Deaq shook his head, quickly rejecting the answer. "Whatever you say, Van," he replied with a chuckle. "But if I ever catch you staring at Billie for no apparent reason, you'd better tell me the truth." 

"Yeah, right," Van retorted. "No way." 

A thick silence fell between them as Van began to contemplate his true feelings towards Billie. He was enjoying pulling all these childish pranks on her, especially all the little things she did to get him back, not the ones that left him reeling, but the tiny things, like the shaving cream can. That was another experience he had enjoyed, moreover the part where he held her in his arms. That moment had left him a bit bewildered. It felt so right holding Billie that he didn't want to let her go. If only Deaq hadn't shown up at that critical moment, maybe then… 

And then there was Twister. They had been so close he could have kissed her. It was more like he should have kissed her. Billie had been reluctant to get off him, giving Van the impression that his efforts hadn't been in vain. There was a definite attraction there, and he had just begun to play on it. In time, maybe he'd have her right where he wanted her. Maybe… 

Van quickly shook the thought of what would have been and what could be out of his head. He had to keep his relationship with Billie strictly at a professional level; otherwise, potential problems would start to rear their ugly heads. That's the last thing he wanted. But what if she was feeling the same way about him? As that though began to brew in Van's head, Deaq stood up. 

"Come on, man. We have to get back inside. And you need to see a doctor to make sure none of those rubber bullets his more than just skin," he said, extending his hand so that Van could grab it. When they walked back in, Billie quickly dismissed them, telling Van he could recover for the rest of the day. As for Deaq, she didn't really say much, but he could almost see the wheels cranking in her head. Tomorrow, his number was being called, and there was no way he'd get out of it. 

The next day went by well. Billie was late…again. She had stopped by the precinct to ask another favor of her SWAT buddies. Deaq was getting it today; she was even dressed for the occasion. Billie was wearing all black; black dress, black boots, black everything. She grabbed the bean bag gun, said her goodbyes and ran out the door to her car. 

Back at the Candy Store, Deaq was sitting in Billie's office when Van came limping in through the door. He walked like he'd gotten hit in the balls with a cannon. Deaq almost fell out of the chair trying not to laugh when he thought of that. 

"Where is the little witch?" Van asked in a pitiful voice. 

"Late. You think she's gonna do something else?" Deaq replied, looking at the clock. It was almost 9:05 AM and Billie wasn't in yet. 

Billie screeched into the parking lot. She had decided to make a lot of noise for effect. 'I hope the guys heard that,' she thought a grin coming across her face. She jumped out of the car and headed inside. "Morning boys!" she shouted in a cheery voice as she walked inside. 

Deaq jumped out of her chair and leapt out of her office. "Billie, where you been?!" Deaq said anxiously. 

"Oh, just got a little behind this morning. So, let's get to work!" she said. "Where the hell is Van?!" she yelled going back into her usual bitch mode. 

Deaq was comfortable now, she wasn't being overly happy today. "He's upstairs recovering from the injuries you inflicted on him yesterday!" Deaq answered snidely. 

"Well, tell him to get his black and blue ass down here now!" she barked and sent him off. 

"I'm coming!" Van yelled from the bottom of the stairs as he hobbled towards her office. 

When Billie heard his voice, she turned around to see him walking like he'd just gotten kicked in the balls. She started to laugh, subtly at first, then roaring as he got closer. Oh, this was definitely something she was going to remember. 

"It's NOT FUNNY!" Van shouted. He was more than pissed at her now. All he wanted to do was go over to Billie and beat that snide smile off her face for all the shit she had managed to pull on him. But, GOD! She looked good in that dress and those knee high hooker boots. How could he want to kill something so beautiful? Van settled for his revenge tactics. He'd get her back, somehow. He'd just have to figure it out. 

"Yes, it is," Billie giggled, her face straightening slightly as she pulled herself together. 

"This is not over," Van growled as he started to hobble towards the lounge. All he wanted to do now was sit down and rest his poor battered body. 

"Where do you think you're going?" Billie sharply replied, prompting Van to stop dead in his tracks. She wasn't done with him yet. "Do me a favor. Get your sorry ass outside and grab the stuff out of my car. It's too heavy for me to carry. 

"Why can't you get Deaq to do it?" Van protested. 

"Because I said so, now GO!" she barked. Van knew not to mess with her or he'd probably be in a body cast the next day. He did as he was told, but he didn't have to like it. While Van was gone Billie went to the basketball court where Deaq was shooting baskets. "Ya know Deaq, you aren't out of the woods yet," she said point blank. 

Deaq stopped dribbling and looked at her. "I know. Just do it and get it over with," he told her. 

"But that wouldn't be as much fun," Billie pouted with a slick smile on her face. "Maybe a bowling ball will do it," she said and looked at him. 

"What do you mean a bowling ball? What are you gonna do to me?" Deaq asked. He was getting paranoid now. Images of Billie knocking his head off his shoulders ran through Deaq's mind. He shuddered and put the image out of his head. 

Billie saw this and smiled. "See ya later Deaq!" she said and walked away. 

Van had returned to Billie's office carrying a heavy case in one hand and a lighter bag in the other. He was beginning to wonder what the hell she had in there. "Here's your shit," he said, putting the stuff down on her nearly empty desk. "Happy?" 

"Yes, thank you," Billie sweetly replied, batting her eyes as Van slowly made his way out of her office. He was tempted to give her the finger, but resisted, fearing that whatever she was gonna do to Deaq today would fall upon him if he didn't tread lightly. 

Billie went around and sat on her desk, hiking her dress up to mid thigh. "Van, come here," she said. 

Van stopped, sighed, and turned around. "What do you want..." He stopped when he saw her sitting on the desk. 'Damn, she looks good!' he thought. He walked back and just stared at her. There was she was sitting you could almost see down her shirt. He tried not to stare, but it was near impossible. 

"You sure you'll be okay today?" she asked running her fingers along his arm lightly. Van caught his breath; he couldn't believe this was happening! "Huh?" he said. 

She jumped off the desk and straightened out her short skirt. "Oh, never mind! You can go now!" She said. He looked shocked for a second and she shooed him out her office. 

Van hobbled away, awestruck by what had just happened in Billie's office. Had she really been hitting on him? Or was she just pushing his buttons? Whatever it was, it had made Van feel a LOT better. He walked into the lounge and sat down on his favorite chair, a wide smile across his face. 

"DEAQ!" Billie yelled at the top of her lungs, scaring anyone and everyone within a 100 mile radius. Van nearly jumped out of his chair, but when he realized what was about to happen, he smirked and sat back down, watching as Deaq made his way towards her office, his head down, expecting the worst. 

"Yeah, Billie, what is it?" he asked. 

"Could you wait here just a moment? I need to get something," she replied, grabbing the case and the bag and heading upstairs to the balcony. Deaq sat down in a chair and waited for her. 

All the while, Billie opened the case as she perched herself in the perfect position for a clear shot at Deaq's head. She pulled out the bean bag gun and loaded it with the ammo in the bag. She aimed and fired. 

Deaq heard the shot and quickly turned around to see where it had come from. Suddenly, something flew right past his face almost hitting square in the forehead. He jumped and ducked behind Billie's desk. She cursed loudly, not having hit her target, and aimed again. She wasn't going to let him get away that easy. Billie refocused and fired once more. 

"Billie, are you NUTS?" Deaq was now yelling, the bean bag flying over his head yet again. "What the hell are you trying to do, kill me?" 

She wanted badly to retort, but decided to leave that until she had actually hit him. She took aim once more, and this time when she fired, she hit her mark. "HA!" Billie screamed. "Third time's the charm!" 

Deaq felt the bean bag belt him in the back of the head and reeled from the impact, quickly falling over on the ground, the sound of Van's laughter filling his ears. Deaq slowly got up from the floor, he stood and looked around to make sure no guns were aimed at him. "Billie! Are you crazy? You could have killed me!" he yelled at her. 

"With a bean bag?! Give me a fucking break you sorry ass drama queen!" she shouted back. 

Van continued to laugh at this little exchange. "Dude! This is NOT funny!" Deaq yelled as he picked up a bean bag and lobbed it in his direction. Van quickly caught it before it hit his head. 

"I'm sorry," he chuckled. "That was just too funny. Sorry ass drama queen! HA!" 

"Sorry ass drama queen… I'll give you sorry ass drama queen," Deaq mumbled as he walked over to the fridge and grabbed a pack of ice. That's when he noticed the expired tub of whipped cream. He quickly opened it and walked back over to where Van was sitting, unsuspecting of what was about to happen to him. Deaq snuck up behind him and with a quick flick of his wrist, the contents of the container spilled over Van's head. 

"What the…" Van yelled as he shot up out of his seat and began to chase Deaq around the Candy Store as Billie watched from her perch high up over their heads. She laughed until her sides hurt as the antics continued. Van was gonna get Deaq back for what he had pulled; there was no doubt in his mind about that. 

"Get back here!" he was yelling as he chased Deaq around the entire showroom floor until he finally had him cornered. Van grabbed a can of motor oil off the hood of one of the cars and uncapped it. With Deaq backed up into a corner, he had the advantage. Van poured the entire bottle over his partner's head without remorse. "That's for the whipped cream!" Van barked, wiping the white stuff that dripped down his face. It was now that the previous pain he was in was finally getting to him. 

Van hobbled into the bathroom and sat down on the toilet as he tried to wipe the white goo off his head and clothes, but only managed to get a small portion of it. Billie had come back down, her work finally done and the gun put away safely so the guys couldn't find it even if they tried. She walked into the bathroom and kneeled down beside Van. 

"Need some help?" she asked, her blue eyes locking with his. Van just stared at her trying to figure out if it was a game or if she truly meant it this time. "No game. No tricks. You need some help?" Billie asked again, grabbing a few paper towels and helping him with the goo out of his hair. 

"Thank you," Van replied softly, feeling a bit odd by what was happening. Why was she all of a sudden helping him? It boggled his mind, but he enjoyed every minute of it. 

"You're welcome," Billie said as she stood up and threw the dirty towels into the waste basket. "I mean, I did after all almost kill you. It's the least I can do to make it up to you. That and what you did to Deaq was pretty funny." 

Van smiled. They struck a common ground there. "Yeah, you did almost kill me. And it was funny," he said, looking up sheepishly. 

Billie looked into those lovely eyes and couldn't believe what she saw. Van wasn't plotting what to do to her next. Boy, this situation sure felt weird to her. She knew she better get out of it. "Well, I better get back to work. Why don't you go in the lounge and lay down a bit?" she said and walked out. 

"I'm going to," Van replied as soon as he ran his head beneath the faucet to wash out the remaining sticky goo. He slipped off his shirt and threw it into the sink to wash it off, grabbing the spare he now kept behind the door just in case something like this ever happened, which seemed to be a lot more frequently now. 

Billie sat down at her desk and stretched in her chair. Out of the corner of her eye, she caught Van stepping out of the bathroom shirtless. Her eyes immediately wandered in his direction as she "innocently" checked him out. Billie sighed. He was definitely nice to look at even if she'd probably do nothing more than just look. Oh, if only she could have her way with him for one night… one night and maybe things could possibly change for the better. 

'Nah,' Billie thought as she shook her head. 'Never going to happen.' It was about time that she started plotting her revenge for the next time Van tried to get her back.

Part 6: Sticky Situations


	6. Part 6: Sticky Situations

**Family Feud  
**_Part 6: Sticky Situations_

Deaq entered the Candy Store early that Friday morning feeling absolutely devilish. He was gonna get Billie today, and he knew exactly how he would accomplish it. With his duffle ban in two, he wandered into the showroom to be greeted by his partner. "Hey, man! What's up?" Van shouted as he watched Deaq walk by. He followed him and curiously asked, "What's in the bag?"

"Patience, my friend, it will be rewarded." Deaq assured him.

"Oh, boy!" Van replied as he walked back towards Billie's office to see her sitting in her chair booting up her computer. Being so wrapped up in what she was doing, Van took full advantage of the situation and snuck up behind her. Poised, he leaned next to her ear and yelled, as loud as humanly possible, "BOO!" That scared the shit out of her! Billie jumped up, screamed at the top of her lungs, and turned around to face the noise.

"You ornery little son of a bitch! You almost gave me a heart attack!" she yelled and hit his arm… hard.

Van just laughed when she hit him. "Ow, that hurt!" he chuckled. He walked around her and sat in her chair. "So, how ya doin' Billie?" he asked with a wide grin. 

"Get out of my chair!" she hissed at him. 

"What, you didn't find that the least bit funny?" he asked, still smirking. 

"VAN!" she shouted. 

"What?" he asked innocently. 

"Get. Out. Now." she hissed. By this time, Deaq was standing, or attempting to stand, in the doorway roaring. 

"Van, you better get your ass out of there before she decides to rip your head off!" Deaq gasped. 

Van got up out of her chair and took a step, then stopped. He put his arm around her and planted the biggest, sloppiest, wettest, grossest kiss he could on her cheek! 

"Gross! Yuck!" Billie screamed and reached for his neck to strangle him. 

When Van kissed her, Deaq fell on the floor laughing. His side hurt and he couldn't get up. Van sprinted out of the office before Billie could touch him. 

"Is he drunk?' she asked as she helped Deaq up off the floor while he continued to laugh, the tears streaming down his face. 

"I'd bet on it, but I don't have any money," Deaq replied, grabbing onto the edge of her desk for support. "He really got you that time, didn't he?" 

"Ick! I'll be scrubbing my face for years," Billie pouted as she stammered off towards the bathroom. 

"Man, that was BOLD!" Deaq said as he made his way to the lounge where Van was laying across the couch, a big smirk permanently etched on his face. "What the hell has gotten into you? Have you been drinking or taking any kind of drugs because you usually don't act that crazy around Billie." 

"It was a spur of the moment thing, ya know, just to yank her chain and get a rise out of her," Van replied, grabbing the remote off the coffee table and turning on the TV. 

Billie was in the bathroom scrubbing her face. 'I can't believe he did that! How gross!' she thought. Van could be a real jerk off sometimes, but this took the cake. She rinsed off her face and dried. She wasn't ready to go back out yet because if she did, she was gonna head up to the lounge and strangle Van. "Oh, I'm gonna kill him!" she said and kicked the wall. After a minute she was ready to walk out and resume business. 

She couldn't believe that the one time he decided to kiss her it was the disgusting kind. Why couldn't he just be a gentleman ONCE? 'Oh, come on! You're talking about Van Ray here, the biggest overgrown child on earth,' Billie thought as she walked into her office and started doing something close to resembling work even thought her mind was fixed on revenge. 

With Billie finally out of the bathroom and sitting at her desk, Deaq decided it was time to put his plan into action. He grabbed his duffle bag and ran upstairs. Van turned off the TV and followed, curious about what he was doing. He knew Deaq was itching to get revenge for the bean bag. When he pulled the automatic bow out of his bag, Van knew this was going to get messy. 

"Where the hell did you get that?" he asked. 

"Where else?" Deaq replied with a devious smile. 

"Oh, you're kidding! You got this at the precinct?" 

"And this." Deaq held up a miniature version of a toilet plunger. Van almost burst out laughing. He held it in just so that Billie wouldn't get the hint until it was too late. He couldn't wait to see how this played out. Just the visual he was playing with in his head nearly made him explode. 

"Ooh! Shit! This has got to be the prank of all pranks!" Van said, a little too excited. He was seriously squirming to see what Deaq was up to, especially where he was aiming. "So, Cupid, what's your plan of attack?" 

"You'll see," Deaq answered. "Just be patient, my friend. All in due time." 

Van watched as Deaq took precise aim at his target. Billie was at a perfect angle so that when the toilet plunger arrow flew towards her, it would plaster itself smack dab in the middle of her face. Van's jaw dropped when he realized what would happen. It was just like a cartoon when Deaq released his arrow, all in slow motion. Billie didn't even see it coming until it was too late! She tried to move away, but the plunger hit the side of her face with a loud WHACK! They heard a muffled scream, but by now, Van was already on the floor, his sides in so much pain from laughter he thought he would die right there. 

Deaq helped Van to his feet then the two of them ran downstairs to see the damage Deaq had done up close. Billie was trying to grab a hold of the stick end of the plunger as she ran around her office screaming and cursing. Van's knees gave way again as he started laughing. This was just too funny! He couldn't help himself. 

"HELP ME!" Billie was yelling. Van hoisted himself up off the floor and grabbed her as Deaq took hold of the stick and pulled it off her face. She let out an ear piercing scream that nearly deafened Van and he quickly released her. 

It was Deaq's turn to laugh when he saw the big red ring that circled Billie's entire cheek from the bottom of her jaw line to the top of her left eye. The thing looked like a gigantic hickey, except five times worse. She leapt towards him, her hands reaching for his throat so she could at least get one good strangulation in that morning. Van quickly grabbed her to keep her from doing anyone harm and held her back as Deaq nearly fell over laughing. 

"LET ME AT HIM!" Billie was yelling as she struggled against Van's grasp. He tried to talk her down, but it didn't work. "I'm gonna get you, you little weasel!" she barked. 

Deaq continued to laugh. Her rage made it even funnier to him. He partially sat up but couldn't say anything so he just shot her the bird. Van saw this and burst out laughing, losing his grip on her momentarily. Billie managed to get away from him and made a b-line for Deaq's neck. Van grabbed her by the ankle, sending her crashing to the floor before she hit her mark. The left side of her face hit the ground, making that hideous blemish even worse. 

"SON OF A BITCH!" Billie screamed as she rolled over on her back. Her face hurt like hell. She wanted to stand up and kill the little bastard that did this to her, but she had a better idea. Billie sat up and looked over at her two pranksters and smiled sweetly, making them both go silent in an instant. Oh, she so knew what to do to them next. She had them right where she wanted them, scared shitless. 

When Van and Deaq saw that sweet smile come across Billie's lips, they knew their lives were over. They stopped laughed as they pondered what she'd do to them now. This had been one of the biggest things that had managed to pull on her, and now it was her turn to strike back. 

Van shuddered when he thought of all the things she could do to him, as did Deaq. They inched their way out of her office, deciding that it would be best to stay far away from her for the time being until she cooled off. Besides, there was a case to be solved, and they needed to get to work. The pranks would just have to continue later. 

Billie, on the other hand, was already plotting her revenge. The next morning, both Van and Deaq would get what was coming for them, each one a separate form of cruel and unusual punishment, all of which she planned to catch on tape and sell to the highest bidder at the precinct. The wide smile grew on her face as she booted up her computer and began to do some of her work even thought parts of her mind were still on the major prank she was getting ready to pull. 

*~*~* 

The next morning went by pretty calmly at the Candy Store. Billie had managed to come in on time, indicating to the guys that she probably didn't have anything planned yet, but they knew something was amiss when she took an extra long lunch break and reappeared with a smirk on her face that could rival the one Van sported the previous day. He knew something was up the moment she stepped into her office humming some song he couldn't quite put his finger on. 

"Hey, boss," Van said as he cautiously made his way towards her. 

"Is there a reason you're here?" Billie asked, not looking up from her computer as he approached her. 

"No," he innocently replied, his hands sliding into the back pockets of his tight jeans. Billie couldn't help but glance in his direction. She loved the way Van looked in those jeans. The image almost made her salivate if it wasn't for her unbelievable self control, which was floundering at the moment. 

Van walked up to Billie and knelt down beside her. "You look pretty damn good today," he said, reaching up to touch her face. He was hoping that he might be able to get out of his punishment by playing on her need for physical contact. So far it was working. 

"You don't look so bad yourself," she replied. This was definitely more than Billie had been expecting. Her control was waning as she ran her fingers through his thick mane of chestnut hair. 

Van loved how she messed with his hair. He reached up and grabbed her hand. To hell with all his inhibitions, this was just too good to stop. She playfully tried to tug away and laughed as she looked at him and gave him an approving glance over. 

Van put his hand on her knee, just below the hem of her black skirt. He had been lying to himself when he said Billie was the hottest chick he'd never sleep with. Given the chance, he probably would have done her several times by now. Or they'd be dating. Either way, the thought was a pleasant one. "So, I guess I'll see you later?" Van asked as he stood up. He hadn't accomplished his task, but hell, just having Billie this close was enough to keep him at bay. 

"Yeah, see ya later!" Billie answered and watched Van walk out the door. She cursed herself for the prank she was about to pull on him. She only wished she could stop what she had set into motion, but that was impossible now. Within minutes, Billie was expecting to hear his loud curses even with the door to the Candy Store shut. She only prayed that his wrath would be lessened by the little flirting they had just done. 

Van stepped out into the sun feeling like a million bucks. He couldn't believe that he had just initiated a flirting session with Billie. But, GOD! It was worth it. Even if she decided to prank him at this very second, he wouldn't care. Those few minutes that their bodies had come into contact were more than enough to fill his dreams for the next few nights. 

Taking out his keys, Van unlocked his car and sat down inside, letting the events sink in as he sighed deeply. Finally, he put the key in the ignition and grabbed hold of the steering wheel. Boy, did he get a surprised when he tried to take his hands off and reverse out of the parking lot. They were stuck to the steering wheel! Van made several attempts to pry himself off of it, but no matter how hard he pulled, he was stuck! 

"BILLIE! YOU LITTLE BITCH! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!" Van started shouting as he started to panic. He wanted to get the hell out of this car and strangle her. Forget about all that flirting, this went beyond it. He was pissed as hell that she had the audacity to break into his car and put Krazy glue all over the steering wheel. 

Billie was right. She had heard his screaming from inside her office. Standing up, she made her way to the door and peeked out into the parking lot where Van banged his head against the steering wheel hoping that someone would come to his rescue. 

Billie walked out to the parking lot and headed over to the car. "How's it going Van? I thought you left," she said with a big smile across her face. 

"You bitch! I'm gonna kill you!" Van yelled. 

Billie leaned against the car and laughed. "Okay, go ahead, strangle me!" she taunted. Billie pushed herself off and started to walk back towards the door. "I'll see you when you get yourself out of this miss," she added with a final glance back at him. She smiled and walked through the door, slamming it shut behind her. 

Van was ready to scream. Billie had just left him there to sit and wait for someone to find him. When he got out of this situation, the first thing he was gonna do was beat her ass to a pulp. He didn't care that she was a girl, she was gonna get it. There was no stopping him even if it meant a life sentence. Van let his head fall onto the steering wheel again, except this time it didn't come up. He knew he was going to be stuck there for a while. He only prayed that Deaq would come back from lunch soon. 

As if God had heard him, another car rolled into the parking lot. Van's head shot up to see his partner getting out and making his way towards him. 

"Van what are you doing out here?" Deaq asked, a questionable expression on his face. 

Van really didn't need to do much to give him the answer. He just gave a half hearted struggle with the steering wheel and let Deaq do the math. When he finally figured it out, Deaq started laughing. "Oh, so Billie got you, didn't she?" he asked. 

"No shit," Van retorted. "I could use a little help here. Go find out if Billie keeps any nail polish remover in the bathroom. I have a pretty good idea that she used Krazy glue to do this." 

Deaq ran inside and found the bottle of remover only to see it didn't have the chemical agent to loosen the glue from Van's fingers. He'd have to head to the store to find the stuff. It was an hour before Van's hands were freed from the steering wheel, and he was thoroughly pissed and hungry after the ordeal. Adding insult to injury, the nail polish remover smelled like strawberries, which now permeated Van's clothing. 

He walked into the Candy Store growling. Billie knew to keep her distance and didn't dare leave her office. Just seeing the look on Van's face was enough to satisfy her. She smiled and sat back in her chair, closing her eyes. This had definitely been a good day. Feeling a tap on her shoulder, Billie opened her eyes to see the hellish look on Van's face. 

"I am going to kill you," he said, his tone challenging. 

"Well, come and get me!" Billie mocked as she held up her fists. That's when all hell broke loose. Van lunged for her and quickly wrestled her to the ground. Billie repeatedly punched at him, trying to get him to release his hold on her, but realized that this was going to be tough. It didn't matter that she was a black belt in karate; Van was on top of her, hold her down. When she felt him loosen slightly to get a better hold, she took advantage of the situation and knocked him down beside her. She was now on top of him, using her hand to keep his from getting anywhere near her. 

Billie laughed at him. "You think you can beat me?" she asked, looking down in those deep blue eyes as she hovered inches from his face. Van's expression went slack. He knew he was beat and just gave up. "Good," Billie added, but there was just something about their position that reminded her of that game of Twister. Van was holding his breath and she knew it. 

Now was the time they finally gave into their feelings. Billie closed the gap between their lips with a soft, feather light kiss. She closed her eyes, savoring the way Van tasted as she loosened her grip and allowed his hands to roam her body. Their kiss deepened as their tongues started to mingle. Billie let a moan escape from her lips when he felt his hands fall on her arms, gently pulling down the straps of her shirt. Billie began to unbutton his shirt as he gently whispered her name several times. 

"Billie," Van said in a tone that almost made her go numb with passion. "Billie," he repeated, a little more loudly this time. "Billie!" he shouted, startling her. 

Billie finally realized that she was sitting in her chair. She had dozed off momentarily, but was now wide awake to hear Van yelling in her ear. He was trying to get her attention, but when Billie started to get up, she realized she was stuck in her chair, unable to move. Looking down, she discovered the electrical tape wrapped around her body. 

Van burst out laughing when Billie finally woke up. He couldn't believe she managed to sleep right through his taping. He was sure he'd get caught somewhere halfway through it, but she had slept like a baby! 

"VAN!" Billie snapped as she tried to get out of the binds. Her hands were taped to the arm rests of her chair, her feet to the legs, and the rest of the body to its back. She couldn't believe she had fallen asleep, let alone had that dream. That flirting was going to her head. She seriously needed to stop it before it got out of hand. How could she see herself with such a childish little frat boy? 

Van continued to laugh even as Deaq came up along side him to see what was so funny. Taking one look at Billie and he was instantly crumpled on the floor in a fit of laughter. "That's too good!" he was crying. 

"And I didn't even need to slip anything in her drink! She just slept right through it all!" Van replied, finally calming down enough to make a sensible conversation. He looked down at his watch and added, "Well, I'd better be going. Time to go home and get some rest. Bye-bye, Billie! Have a nice night!" 

Billie squirmed in her chair, still trying to get out of the tape that was stuck all over her body. She glared at Van, bearing her teeth as he walked past her and placed a sloppy, super gross kiss on her cheek. Deaq nearly rolled over and died of laughter. It looked as if Billie could kill him with the look in her eyes. If she hadn't been confined in that chair, he and Van would probably both be dead by now. 

Deaq finally stood up and followed Van's suit. "Good night, Billie," he taunted. "Hope you sleep well." 

"You're just gonna leave me here, alone, taped to this chair?" Billie yelled after him as she struggled to get out of the chair again, but the tape was on, tight. 

"Yup!" Deaq called as he opened the door and stepped outside. He could hear Billie yelling all the way from the parking lot. 

"You little FUCKER! Get you ass back here! Get me out of this chair! I swear I'll fire your ass if you don't!" Billie was now screaming. Deaq didn't take any of her threats to heart. They were just empty promises that she'd never go through with. He merely laughed as he got in his car and drove home. 

*~*~* 

Dawn had risen the next morning as Billie awoke tied to the chair still. She hadn't managed to free herself at all. Whenever she tried, the tape would rip her skin and cause her an unbelievable amount of pain. Oh, Van had pulled out all the stops this time. But she was gonna get him, good! There was no doubt in her mind. She just needed to figure out how. 

Billie could hear her stomach growl. She felt as if she had been kidnapped or something with no dinner, and praying that she'd get out of this chair soon. Her muscles were sore and all she wanted was a huge breakfast along with a big piping hot cup of strong coffee. She barely slept a wink that night, and whatever little sleep she did get had been restless. Van continued to haunt her dreams. She needed to put a stop to this once and for all. She needed to tell him how she felt, but that would only complicate things even more. Billie sighed and rolled her head, hearing several cracks in her neck where she had been stuff. At least it felt good. 

The door opened quietly and Billie's head quickly shot up to see who it was. "You little DICK!" she shouted, seeing Van. 

"Hey, no name calling!" he scolded her as he came up beside the chair and set down the bag of food he had brought. Billie could smell the delicious aroma of coffee and sweets, her eyes rolling to the back of her head in absolute euphoria. Van quickly noticed and pulled a Swiss army knife out of his pocket to cut her bonds. 

When Billie was free from the tape, she stood up, but her legs were barely able to support her weight, being as numb as they were. She fell forward into Van's open arms and looked up at him a little embarrassed. 

"You okay?" he asked, a little concerned. He had definitely gone a little far by leaving her alone that night without setting her free, but it was payback for the Krazy glue, at least he tried to justify it that way. Van brushed the few strands of dark hair that had fallen into her face away with his hand. 

"Yeah, just a little sore," Billie replied, quickly righting herself and standing on her wobbly legs as Van continued to hold her in his arms. "How could you leave me like that!" she yelled, punching him in the arm several times over. "You know, you can be such a dick sometimes! Do you not have any decency? Someone could have come in here and killed me!" 

"Whoa, slow down there, honey. As you can see, you're safe, nothing has happened to you. You're just a little sore. Calm down. Besides, if something had happened to you, I'd…" Van trailed off, not wanting to make the admission that he couldn't live with himself if he had let anything bad happen to Billie. She merely looked at him with those big blue eyes trying to figure out what he was about to tell her. 

"If something happened to me, you'd what?" Billie asked, wanting to force a confession out of Van. 

"If something happened to you, I would have been in deep shit," he answered skillfully. He might have been dumb in some areas, but he did have a few smart moments, this being one of them. 

Billie pried herself out of Van's grasp and sat down in the chair again. Her legs couldn't hold out any longer. She made a mental note to stretch as soon as he was gone. "So, what's in the bag?" she asked innocently, praying he had brought some food for her. 

"A peace offering," Van said, grabbing the bag and pulling out two chocolate scones and two large coffees, black with just a tiny bit of sugar. He gave one of each to Billie and sat down across from her on the edge of the desk as they ate in silence. 

"You've been spared my wrath for one day, Ray, but don't count on the next," she replied. 

Van smiled at her, but on the inside he sighed in relief. He had done the right thing by bringing her food. And here he thought girls didn't eat. Now he knew how to put Billie in a good mood and would do it as often as possible to get in her good graces. 

"So, what are you planning to do to Deaq?" Van asked as he took a sip of his coffee. 

Billie devilishly smiled at him. "I'm afraid that if I told you, you'd tell him, then I'd have to kill both of you," she said. "And I really wouldn't like to be the one breaking your pretty little nose." 

Van almost burst out laughing. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. Billie had actually threatened to break his nose! Oh, that was too funny. He was tempted to say, "Oh, yeah, sure, and how do you plan on doing that?" but decided against it seeing that her mood could easily shift and he'd be in the doghouse again. He held in his laughter as the smirk on his face grew. 

"What are you smiling about?" Billie questioned, getting the feeling that her comment had struck his funny bone. 

"Nothing," Van replied, quickly wiping it off his face as he hid behind his coffee cup. 

"Good," she said, "because I really wouldn't like to screw up that cute face of yours so early in the morning." 

'Did she just say cute?' Van asked himself, a little dumbstruck by her comment. He was really getting mixed signals now. He stared at her for a while before she realized what she said. 

Billie's cheeks turned a rosy red color. She couldn't believe she had just let that slip. Turning away from Van and standing up, she started to make her way towards the bathroom feeling like a total idiot. 

"Billie, wait!" Van yelled as he stood up and ran towards her. He had finally reached the breaking point with his feelings for her. He had to tell her everything, NOW, or else there would never been another time. 

Billie turned around to face him. Van was right in front of her now, his eyes locked on hers. He was trying to find the right words, but it seemed impossible. Her eyes were just so intense and all consuming that he didn't realize he had slowly been coming closer to her, their lips in range for that kiss they had both been waiting for. Now a breath apart, they both closed their eyes, knowing exactly what was going to happen. They were so close to each other that Van could feel her staggered breathing on his lips, and just as he was about to go in for the kill, the door slammed shut behind him. 

Both Van and Billie jumped back from each other, their hearts racing as Deaq walked into the showroom yelling, "Morning, folks!" 

Van growled and started to make his way back to Billie's office as she stammered into the bathroom feeling like an even bigger idiot now that she had almost let her feelings run rampant. But she had wanted so badly to kiss him that anger now pulsed through her veins. She was definitely going to kill Deaq for barging in on them that morning after everything had gone so perfectly. 

"Hey, Van, why are you so pissed? Billie almost try to strangle you again for that stunt you pulled last night?" Deaq asked as he walked into the office to see Van seething. He had never seen his partner so pissed. 

"Not exactly," Van mumbled as he finished his breakfast. 

"Well, whatever she did to you is probably gonna be nothing compared to me," Deaq replied. He knew Billie was out for blood today. All he could do was sit and wait for her to strike. He'd try to take it like a man, but with Billie, he never knew what to expect. 

"Good luck," Van replied, his voice ominous. Deaq knew that today wasn't going to be his day. He'd be stuck waiting it out until Billie finally made her move. He remembered the mental beating she gave him the last time, and only prayed that she wouldn't do it again. 

Surprisingly, the day went by relatively quite for all of them, except for maybe those thoughts that continued to float around in both Van and Billie's heads. He wanted her and she wanted him, there was no denying that, but there was no way they'd ever be able to tell each other, not with what happened that morning. 

Billie walked in to the Candy Store the next day as she always did. It was too early and someone was gonna get it. She approached the door and it swung open. 

"Hi!" came Van's overly cheery voice. 

"What did you do?" she asked as she stopped walking. Billie knew this routine well. She fully expected to get hit in the face with something. 

"Nothing… I'm just being friendly," Van answered with that smile on his face. 

She knew better than that. "What do you want then Van?" she retorted as she started to walk again. 

"I want nothing but to be nice," Van said as he watched her walk in those tight black pants. Billie strode up to him and brushed her hand against his cheek. 

"You're lying." she replied in a seductive voice. 

"I am not." Van protested as she positioned herself in front of him so he could pinch her ass. 

"Hey!" she squealed as she turned around and slapped his hand. 

Van pulled his hand away and pretended he was in pain. "Ow. That hurt!" he whined. 

"You deserve it!" she said laughing. "Now get away from me, you little perv, before I get you good." Billie walked off leaving Van with a wide smirk on his face. So what if they hadn't been able to get out their true feelings, this flirting was fun! He made a mental note to continue it every morning on out, unless he had a prank planned, or Deaq was watching. He knew he was screwed if his partner found out he actually had a crush on his boss. 

Billie walked into her office and immediately pulled out a roll of duct tape from her desk. Deaq was gonna get it today, and she knew exactly how. Oh, this was going to be a lot of fun! She couldn't wait to see what kind of damage she could cause. In the corner of her office she had placed an aluminum bat the day before for this specific purpose. She knew it wouldn't inflict as much pain as a wooden bat, but she was only going for a knockout and not a concussion. Hiding herself behind the door after she had sent Van to run a little errand, she waited for Deaq to walk in that morning. 

'HA! He's never gonna see it coming!' Billie thought when she heard his car roll into the parking lot. The door opened and she swung, HARD. After hearing a satisfying CRACK, she stepped out of the shadows and surveyed the damage. Deaq was unconscious on the floor, a big lump forming on his forehead where she had hit him. Billie started to laugh, but quickly cut herself short realizing that this plan of hers was going to take a little time to put into action. After all, she still had to tape him to a light pole, and that might take a little time. She wanted to finish before Van came back, which wouldn't be for another hour or so, but still. 

Billie dragged Deaq outside and to the light pole then ran back in to get the tape sitting on her desk. "Now, how am I gonna get him up?" she said to herself. This was definitely going to take some time, but she could do it. She started by hoisting him up against the pool and taping his waist to hold him there. Once that was done, she could do the rest. 

Thirty minutes later, she stepped back to survey her work. Deaq was wrapped up with even his arms taped to the poll and his hands from the wrists down free. The tape went from his shoulders to his ankles and everywhere in between. Oh, he was not going to get out of this easily! She wrapped him up pretty good, with all intentions of keeping him stuck there until she deemed it was time to let him go, like he had done to her two days earlier when Van had taped her to her chair. 

Billie finally started to laugh. This was going to be FUNNY! She ran inside to grab her camera. She wanted to remember this prank like the gorilla suit. After snapping a few shots, Billie headed back inside to her office where she downloaded them onto her computer and immediately started printing out a set to hang on the wall that was now covered with these funny photos in her apartment. Van was going to get a kick out of Deaq's predicament. She knew he would. After all, he wrote the book on taping, and she had been the one to edit it. 

Van pulled up not long after Billie had gone back inside. He walked by the poll and then turned around and walked by it again. He stopped and stared. "Deaq wake up!" he yelled but it didn't work. He stared again and started to laugh. He walked away and headed inside to see if he could get Billie to admit what she had done now. Van stood in her doorway and couldn't ignore her glee at the pictures she was printing. 

"So, you did it huh?" he said smiling. 

"Is there anyone else that could have done that?" she said laughing over her pictures. Van looked over her shoulder at the photos and started to laugh again. After all, this was funny. 

Deaq woke up with a massive headache and a very bright glare in his eyes. He wanted to shield them from the bright light that was beating down on him, but realized that he couldn't move his arms. His eyes shot open and he discovered that he was bound to a light post outside with a shit load of duct tape. One thought ran through his mind. "BILLIE!" Deaq yelled, realizing that this had been her prank against him. 

Inside, Van and Billie could hear Deaq's cry and started to snicker. This was great! They left her office and made their way outside to where he was taped to the light pole. Van nearly died laughing when he saw his partner struggled to get out of his predicament. It seemed that everyone this week had been struggling to get out of a bind. 

Billie folded her arms across her chest as she stared at Deaq, the grin on her face wider that anyone had ever seen it. 

"Alright, Billie, you win! Set me free!" Deaq's plea fell on deaf ears. 

"Uh-uh," she replied. "This is for last night AND the toilet plunger. And Van, if I catch you sneaking out here to help him, you'll be the next one taped to this light pole," she warned as she turned around and began to laugh again. 

Deaq looked over in Van's direction. Van shrugged his shoulders and mouthed, "Sorry, man! I'll do what I can." 

Deaq was beyond pissed. How could he have gotten sucked into this mess in the first place? Oh, right, it was Van's fault, as usual. He'd get the little bastard back if he didn't help him out of this little bind. 'Oh, well, I guess I have plenty of time to sit here and think about what I'll do to Billie next,' he thought, relaxing against the light pole. 

Van followed Billie inside. "What are we gonna do? Are we gonna let him go?" he asked looking at her. 

Billie sat in her chair and laughed, "We'll let him go… eventually." She looked over the pictures again and continued to laugh. 

"You do know that tape is going to hurt coming off, right?" Van replied, sitting across from her. 

She picked up the roll of tape and threw it at him. "I am well aware of how it feels to have tape peeled off. Besides, duct tape isn't as sticky as electrical tape," she almost hissed, making Van sit as far back against his seat as humanly possible. He knew Billie was still pissed about having to peel electrical tape off her body. She was still bearing the painful marks where it had made contact with her skin and she had to rip it off. He cringed at the thought of trying to peel any kind of tape off his body. 

"I'm really sorry about that. I didn't mean to leave you here all night," Van started to apologize. 

"Shut up," Billie replied. "I've had enough of you for one day. Go away and busy yourself with something." 

"What am I supposed to do?" he asked. 

"I dunno, work on a car or something. Do whatever men do to busy themselves during the day," she answered harshly, making it clear she wanted him out of her office immediately. 

"Alright," Van sighed as he stood up and headed for the door. "I'm heading out to lunch. Want anything?" 

"No," Billie flatly replied, not looking up from the papers on her desk. 

Van shrugged, thanking all the gods he knew that she had said no. He really wasn't going to lunch; instead, he planned to help Deaq out with his little problem. Van didn't care about the consequences. He was itching to get Billie again. Going two days without a prank was making him antsy, and Deaq probably needed a partner with his next endeavor. 

Deaq was getting tired of being out stuck to the poll. "Come on somebody get me off here," he began to whine. He busied himself with thinking about what he'd do to Billie when he got the chance. Oh, she was going to pay for this. Just then the door opened. 

"Come save me," Deaq whispered. And as if by magic Van appeared in the doorway and walked towards him. 

"Come on, lets get you un-taped," Van told him. 

Deaq was thankful that his partner had showed up. Van bent down and pulled at the tape on his legs. When he got to his skin he paused and then yanked as hard as he could. 

"OW! Stupid son of a bitch! That hurt!" Deaq yelled. 

Van looked at him and laughed, "Sorry man, I couldn't help it!" 

"You won't be saying that when I kick you," Deaq warned, glaring at him angrily. 

Van pulled his trusty pocket knife out to make the job a little easier. After about ten minutes, Deaq was free even though tape was stuck to his clothing and skin. It took a while to take it all off, but he was just glad to be free. 

"Billie is gonna kill me when she finds out I set you free," Van mumbled as they made their way towards his car. 

"Yeah, well, not before I kill her," Deaq replied. 

"What do you mean?" Van questioned, getting a little curious. 

"Do you know where to get liquid cement?" Deaq asked. 

Van shot a look in his direction. 'Let the games begin!' he enthusiastically thought as he nearly jumped into his car. In all likelihood, he knew exactly what Deaq was going to do, and he was more than willing to help him. 

*~*~* 

Billie walked into the Candy Store the next day to be greeted by admiring whistles from Van. She loved the flirting; it was fun even if nothing ever came of it. She slapped him upside the head and kept going. Upon entering her office, she noticed something was weird. She looked up and there it was. Everything was glued to the ceiling. "DEAQ!!! VAN!!! Get in here now!!" she hollered. How on god's green earth had they accomplished this feat baffled her. 

Deaq and Van looked at each other and started chuckling. Billie yelled again, so they started walking towards her office. They got to the door and Deaq tried his best not to laugh as he said, "What's the matter?" Van just lost it. 

"How do I get this shit down?" she hissed. 

"I...don't....know!" Deaq said as he burst under her glare. 

"You two are gonna PAY!" Billie yelled as they crumpled on the floor of her now empty office. The long night had paid off quite well.

Part 7: Don't Drink The Coffee!

Home


	7. Part 7: Don't Drink The Coffee!

**Family Feud****  
**_Part 7: Don't Drink the Coffee! _

Billie was impatiently pacing her redecorated office the next morning, almost completely biting off her nails in the process. That night had been a long one. A team of carpenters and god knew who else had been dispatched to the Candy Store to get her stuff down from the ceiling. How Van and Deaq had managed to get it up there was still a big question she wanted answered, and NOW! But with the heavy sedatives she had slipped into Van's coffee that morning, there was no way she was getting him to talk any time soon.

There was a good reason for the sedatives… Billie had formulated her revenge the night before as she watched the carpenters work on removing the glue from her desk. A Sharpie marker had fallen from one of her drawers and hit her on the head. That's when the idea also struck her. That morning she had gone to the drug store to buy the strongest over the counter pills. Mixing them with the coffee she had made, she gave the cup to Van, who hadn't suspected a thing, and watched as he downed it.

'Jeez, he must be tired. What the hell happened to him last night?' Billie thought to herself when she noticed the dark circles beneath his eyes. She started to feel sorry for him, but looked up to see the chair still stuck to the ceiling and remembered why she was going to prank him that morning. Van deserved what he was about to get, if only those damn sleeping pills would kick in already!

Van sat down on the couch after he threw out the empty coffee cup Billie had given him only moments ago. He was a little surprised to see that some of her stuff had already come down from the ceiling, but the chair was still left up there, which made him all the more nervous. As for last night, it had been a rough one, his dreams being haunted by the goddess that now stood in her office watching him intently. That near kiss set off a chain reaction in his mind. He couldn't stop thinking about her. She was so beautiful and witty and… HOT! 'Why does she have to haunt my dreams?' Van thought solemnly, letting his head sink a little when he started to feel really tired all of a sudden. Before he knew it, he was out cold, his only thought being about Billie naked on his bed.

Billie knew Van was asleep the second she saw his head droop down and roll to the side. Oh, this was going to be so much fun! She grabbed the Sharpie off her desk and ran over to the couch where he had chosen to knock himself out on. Gently pushing Van back, Billie straddled his waist, a very mischievous smile coming across her lips when several dirty images began to flow through her mind. She quickly shook them out of her head and uncapped her marker.

Billie knew exactly what she was going to do. She started with Van's forehead, drawing a couple of large horns just below his hairline, then making her way down to his nose, where she blackened the tip and drew a few whiskers. Sitting back, she surveyed her work and nearly burst out laughing. With the amount of sleeping pills she had slipped into his coffee, she was perfectly fine with the outburst. It was then that Deaq chose to show his face.

"What's so funny?" he asked, walking into the showroom from the parking lot with a very confused look on his face. That all changed the second he glanced at Van and nearly fell to the floor laughing. "Oh, you didn't!" Deaq chuckled.

"Yes, I did!" Billie squealed with delight.

"Gimmie that pen!" he ordered, grabbing the marker out of Billie's hand and starting on his own little masterpiece on Van's cheek. He started with something simple, a heart, and began to spin off on all the things Valentine related, including the arrow and a special little message that he knew would get him in trouble with both Van and Billie, but that was the last thing on Deaq's mind. When he finished, he stepped back letting her finally see what he had drawn and handing back the marker.

"I love Billie!" she nearly yelled seeing the little message inside the heart. "Deaq! I'm gonna kill you! Come back here!" Billie screamed as she threw the marker at him and stood up to chase him around the warehouse.

Billie quit the chase when she realized they had woken Van with the noise. "Will you guys shut the fuck up?" he sleepily asked, draping his arm over his eyes and rolling over to the side a tad for comfort. He was out cold again, allowing Billie to continue chasing Deaq around the showroom until he finally jumped on one of the cars and called a truce.

"Get off my car!" Billie shrieked when she realized he was on her silver Benz.

"Oh, shit! I'm sorry, Billie," Deaq quickly apologized as he jumped off. He knew he had pissed her off again and prayed that she wouldn't get even with him as harshly as she had the other day with the duct tape.

It was about three in the afternoon when Van finally came to. He got off the couch and walked downstairs to Billie's office. "So, what do you want me to do now?" he asked, hoping she would flirt with him but she didn't look up right away.

Billie wanted to send him to the bathroom to look at his face but she couldn't do that. "Me and Deaq haven't eaten yet. Why don't you run down to Pinks and get us all some hot dogs and drinks?" she replied. That was the most crowded place in L.A. that she could send him. Van walked out the door and down the street getting strange looks the whole way. When he was gone, Billie and Deaq gathered in her office and collapsed in laughter.

Van made his way to the crowded hot dog stand, several people looking at him strangely, especially the lady who took his order. Several others pointed and snickered. He started to wonder what the hell was going on, but his order was soon called, and he quickly made a point to get the hell out of there. What the hell had been so funny? Van decided to let that simmer until he reached the Candy Store again and dropped off the food to his fellow officers.

As he walked into the cool warehouse, Van quickly scoped out Billie and Deaq in her office, laughing hysterically over what he didn't know. "Hey, guys?" he asked. They looked up at him and burst out once more. "What the hell is so funny?"

"Um… Maybe you should go to the bathroom," Billie giggled, trying to stay as calm as possible.

"Is there something on my face?" Van questioned before making his way towards the bathroom.

"Uh… you could say that," Deaq replied, making him all the more worried.

Van sprinted into the bathroom, turning on the light and taking a good look in the mirror. He screamed in horror when he saw the drawings on his face. The girly shriek pushed Billie and Deaq overboard. They started to laugh so hard they fell out of their chairs as their sides began to split with pain. This was too much for either of them to bear. Billie could feel the hot tears stream down her cheeks as she tried to right herself by using the edge of the desk for support, but continued to fall off of it as more waves of laughter passed over her.

Billie and Deaq started to crawl on all fours towards the doorway of the office to the bathroom to see Van but fell on the floor laughing. Billie thought her sides were gonna split. Deaq was sure he was gonna suffocate from laughter. Suddenly Van was there standing over them.

"Okay, who did it?" he yelled. Billie looked up and crumpled into tears again. "Deaq! Was it you or her?" he yelled getting in his face.

Deaq tried to talk, but he was laughing too hard. All he could do is point at Billie then at himself. "So, it was both of you!" Van hollered getting up. Billie was doubled over laughing now. Van stepped over Deaq and kneeled down in front of her. "Okay, so, how do I get this stuff off my face?" he hissed. She just shrugged and continued to laugh harder.

"Scrub… Scrub… Scrub…" Billie managed before she doubled over again.

Van was fuming now. He stood up and walked over to Billie's leg. A swift kick to her shin and it was the end of her laughing. She was now doubling over in pain instead. Van gave her a satisfied smirk before he walked back into the bathroom to take her advice. This was going to be a long day.

"OW!" Billie cried as he held her leg. Van had kicked her pretty hard, but she knew she deserved it. For Van, this was instant gratification. 'Baby,' she quickly thought, realizing that this was only something a five year old could pull.

Deaq continued to laugh until Van glared at him and said, "You're next if you don't shut up." He stopped laughing and rolled over onto his back. He finally stood up and walked into the bathroom where Van was scrubbing the marker off his face. He had gotten parts of the horns off already, but the "I love Billie" heart was still there, as obvious as ever, especially now that his face was red from all the scrubbing. It made the thing stick out like a sore thumb!

Deaq couldn't stop his chuckle as he approached Van very carefully. Van glared at him through the mirror, grabbing the soap and continuing to rub his face with it until he thought it would bleed. Deaq walked up to Van and snatched the bar of soap out of his hand. "There, there. Easy boy. We worked hard to get her brand on you!" Deaq said with a big smile on his face. "Now, come on out to pasture with the rest of us," he added with a final smirk before pulling on Van's arm.

"Fuck you!" Van nearly yelled in his face, grabbing the bar of soap back, but it slipped out of his hand and landed on the floor. He reached down to try and grab it, but it continued to evade is grasp. Too frustrated to continue chasing the soap, Van finally gave up and went back into the bathroom, pushing Deaq out and slamming the door in his face as he began to look for another bar of soap.

"Come on, Van, I was just kidding!" Deaq yelled through the door.

"Bull shit! I know this was all you!" Van hollered back angrily, finally finding another bar of soap, even though this one smelled like rose petals. 'Billie's doing,' he immediately thought. He didn't care. Soap was soap. So what if he'd smell like a girl for a little while. Maybe Billie would flirt with him a little more if he used it. 'Oh, what the hell am I think about her for? She's the one who did this to me! I should be thinking about a way to get some revenge!' Van scolded himself.

He tried to think of a few good scare tactics, but it was nearly impossible. She looked so cute when she laughed. 'Oh, god… I am in love with her,' came his revelation like a bolt of lightening.

"When the hell are you gonna get out of there!" Deaq yelled from outside the door, startling Van out of his thoughts. "I need to pee!"

"Go take a piss in the alley!" Van retorted. "I'm gonna be a while!"

"Oh god!" Van said to himself as he leaned against the wall once he knew Deaq was gone. This couldn't be happening. "Get a grip man," he told himself. He went to the sink splashed some cold water on his face then went out into the showroom and made his way up to the balcony so he could stare down on her. 'I seriously hope Deaq doesn't see me up here,' he thought.

Billie was in her office when she looked up to see Van make a dash out of the bathroom upstairs. "What the hell is that fool doing?" she asked herself. She noticed a couple minutes later that he had taken a seat in the balcony and was looking at her. She didn't pay any attention and went back to her work. But then it struck her. "I wonder how quick his reflexes are?" she thought to her self.

So she looked around the office and found an abridged Webster's Dictionary. She picked up the huge volume and walked out of her office to the bottom of the balcony. When she had positioned herself just right, she yelled, "Hey Van, catch!" and threw the enormous book up at him. Van had enough time to react to the point that he could barely clutch the book as it flew into his chest and he threw him over a couple chairs to the ground with a big thump!

Cough. "Billie!" Van hollered from his position on the floor. As soon as he yelled her name she was there to take the book off him and help him up. Once he was standing, he grabbed her around the neck and asked, "Why did you do that?"

Billie swallowed and looked up at Van to answer. "Well, you were standing right there and the book was just sitting on my desk waiting to be used, and that was the most constructive thing I could come up with," Billie blurted out at the end as she tried to stifle the laugh. Van let go of her neck and pushed her aside as he walked back downstairs and shook his head in disbelief of what she had just said.

"I'm going home," Van growled as he walked out of the Candy Store and headed for his car, leaving Billie, and a bewildered Deaq standing there staring at him wondering what his problem was. He had had enough of thier crap for one day. He knew tomorrow would bring sweet revenge, just how was he gonna pull it off?

Van let his ideas simmer as he left the parking lot and headed to the hardware store remembering that he had to install a new faucet in the bathroom because the other one had broken and was now leaking all over the floor. Parking just outside the store, Van quickly ran inside to grab the few things that he needed. As he walked through the aisles looking for parts and tools, he noticed that the staple guns were on sale, which is when his best idea hit him. He grabbed one, finished the rest of his shopping, then headed home to fix that leaky faucet once and for all, and make a plan of action for tomorrow. Oh, this was definitely going to be his ultimate revenge.

Now beneath the leaky faucet that was contributing to his sleepless nights, Van was already pulling it apart with a screwdriver and a pair of heavy duty pliers. His thoughts kept drifting back to what happened at the Candy Store today and how he'd get his revenge for what Billie and Deaq had done to him. It wasn't long before the perfect plan presented itself to him. He'd slip some heavy duty sleeping pills into their coffee then somehow staple them to a wall. Just how he was gonna do that still puzzled him, and before he could complete his thought, the cell phone he had placed on top of the sink began to ring and startled him into sitting up and banging his head against the sink bowl.

The crack that came from Van's head hitting the hard marble was almost deafening. Stars began to appear in front of his eyes as his vision blurred and nearly blackened. He had to force himself to keep from passing out from the amount of pain he was feeling at the moment. Van reached up from underneath the sink and grabbed the phone thinking, 'Damn, that's gonna leave a mark! Whoever is on the other end of this phone is getting an earful!'

"What the hell do you want?" Van growled his answer.

"Ooh, a little pissy, aren't we?" Billie replied, a little mockingly.

"Fuck off, Billie," he hissed, getting ready to hang up on her and turn off his phone for the rest of the day.

"If you hang up, you're fired!" Billie said just as she sensed Van was gonna hang up.

"Fine. What is it?" Van sighed as he rubbed his sore head.

"The Candy Store needs a favor," she said. "Well, actually, I need the favor," she finished. Van's previously drooping eyes weren't prepared to come open when she said the favor. "I need you to come down and give my Benz a good wash and wax. I need it tomorrow morning for a meeting with the police captain."

Van's eyes flew open and almost shot out of his head when she said this. He wasn't her fucking lackey, why should he wash her car? "Fuck no, Billie!" Van yelled over the phone. He knew she had to be off her rocker to ask him that. "What the hell are you thinking? That I'm gonna do it?" he continued.

"Well, yeah," was all she said.

Billie knew that she could you her power over Van to get him to do it and that she would. "Come on Van! Pleeeeaaaaaassssssseeeeeee?" she begged in a whining tone she knew he hated to hear a woman use.

"Oh knock it off!" Van hollered. He heard the change in her tone of voice. "Oh, no! You are not doing this to me again! I will not be suckered into doing it your way!" Van said.

"Fine," Billie replied sniffle sniffle sob "I...I...I...I...guess I'll t...t...t...t...talk to you l...l...later," she sniffled.

"Fine! I'll come wash your damn car!" Van grumbled and slammed down the phone. The leaky sink would just have to wait. But maybe the staple gun could come into some use…

Van made his way back to the Candy Store again, pissed off a little more than usual, but he had come up with a much better plan for Billie's revenge. Instead of stapling her to the wall like he was gonna do to Deaq, he decided to leave a few surprises on her car after he washed it. This was definitely going to be a lot more fun than he thought. He made sure to wipe the smile off his face when he walked into to showroom. That would give everything away and spoil the surprise.

"Glad you're finally here," Billie said, eyeing the bruise on his forehead. "What happened to you?"

"Well, I kinda had a little run in with the bathroom sink. You see, unlike you, I actually fix things by myself. I don't need anyone to do things for me," Van retorted.

"Are you implying something?" she replied.

"No, not at all," he sarcastically remarked as he made his way towards her car. Once she was out of range, he smiled, his thoughts already turning to the horrible deeds he was about to do.

He started with the inside of the car, working his way out leaving little surprises here and there for her to find the next day. Once done with the inside, he started on the rims, making sure to make the sloppiest mess possible and leaving the shiny chrome streaky. Pleased with his work, Van moved on until the entire car was finished; windows were streaky, rims were ruined, so on and so forth. Still, it was the surprise hidden inside her car Van couldn't wait for Billie to find. That would definitely push her off the edge and maybe even get him fired. But hell, it was so worth it!

Billie walked in the office the next morning to find Van already there. He sat in the lounge minding his own business, only saying "Hello," no sexist remark or hit on. 'Oh well, can't win 'em all I guess,' Billie thought as she sat at her desk. She had only been there for a minute when she realized the car needed to be looked at to make sure nothing had happened while Van was washing it. After all this was an important meeting. Nothing was supposed to go awry.

Van saw that Billie was getting up and watched intently as she headed towards the car. First, she wiped part of the windshield where Van had left finger prints. 'Any second now Ray, she'll blow,' Van thought and simultaneously Billie saw the rims and bellowed "VAN!"

Van walked partially down the stairs and just looked at her. "This is a mess, Van!" Billie harshly scolded.

"I know sir," Van replied with his head hanging so she couldn't see the smirk that was there.

"Well, fix it. Now!" Billie answered firmly as she walked up to him and stood three inches from his face. "I want it by two or I know a nice bunch of Columbians to give you to. Understood?" she said. As she walked away, Van called after her, "Hey Billie, try sitting in it, I swept her out real good!" The smile on his face was beginning to grow.

"Oh you did?" Billie questioned. Maybe that was the only good thing he did. "Well, I'll have a look, if you insist.

"I do insist," Van replied.

Billie walked over to the car and looked in the window. "Nice job," she told him.

"Thank you. Why don't you have a seat inside? I think you will enjoy the new scent I picked for the air freshener," Van said with a wide smile.

"Are you sure? The seats aren't wet or anything from being cleaned, are they?" she kept stalling. Van opened the drivers side door and told her to go ahead ad see for her self. "Hmm, it's dry," Billie said as she took a seat and closed the door.

Van stood on the outside of the car looking in with a big satisfied grin growing on his face as she realizes there was a smell. Suddenly she comes bursting out of the car and flying at Van. "You little fucking piece of shit! What did you do to my car?" Billie screamed as she wrapped her hands around his throat and started choking him.

"Get… off… me…" Van managed to mumbled as she continued her strangle hold on his neck. He tried to loosen her death grip, but it just got tighter as he pulled on her harder. "You're… choking… me…"

"That's the point!" she retorted, squeezing so hard her knuckles were beginning to turn white.

Van knew he was in deep shit now. This was definitely something he hadn't expected and should have accounted for when he was doing this prank, but I guess you can't predict everything when it comes to Billie. His vision was beginning to blacken when he heard the door open and Deaq walked inside. He stood there for a few moments as Van and Billie looked at him as if caught doing the nasty, Van getting a little bit of a relief when her fingers loosened just a bit. But that was over too quickly as she tightened them again.

Deaq laughed at the situation. Just one look at Billie's car and he knew exactly what had happened. He walked over to the two of them, waited a moment, then jumped in to save Van from Billie's death grip. It took him a few minutes to pry the two apart, but when he had finally done so, Van fall to the floor, coughing and rubbing his neck, happy to be released and sorry that he had done all that shit to Billie's car. Billie, on the other hand, was ready to go back for more until Deaq grabbed her by the waist and held her back.

"Let me at him!" Billie struggled against his hold as she tried to kick her heels into him.

"No, I can't let you do that. You'll be late for your meeting," Deaq replied, letting her go when she stopped struggling, which was about the same time she realized that she was already running late.

"Shit," Billie said as she looked down at her watch to see it was nearly twelve, and the meeting started in about half an hour. She turned to Van and hissed, "I'll get back at you later."

"Say hi to the Columbians for me," he waved her off. She glared at him and got in her car. Billie left the Candy Store moments later in a hurry as Van watched her go, a smile of relief on his face that it was all over and he had come out alive with the desired results, well, somewhat desired results. Deaq gave him a hand up and he immediately made a b-line to the bathroom to see what kind of damage she had inflicted on his poor neck.

Looking in the mirror, Van could see the bruises already forming, like big hickies after an intense make session. His body immediately reacted to the thought. A shudder of pleasure ran through all his extremities. Van shook the thoughts out of his head, trying to remember what he was supposed to do. Besides the bruises on his neck, the big one on his head was also beginning to look pronounced. He shrugged it off until Deaq walked behind him and asked, "Did she give you an upper cut to the forehead before she tried to strangle you?"

"No, the sink took a cheap shot at me yesterday," Van sarcastically answered as he continued to stare at his reflection in the mirror.

"You're telling me Billie tried to kill you just now, but the only mark you have on you is from where you got beat up by a sink!" Deaq chuckled.

"Oh shut up and go the fuck away will ya?" Van retorted not amused by Deaq's comment.

"You love her! That's why you ruined the car, so she'd come back and spend lots of time forcing you to look at her as she yelled!" Deaq came to a sudden realization as he laughed and moved out of Van's swinging range.

"That is not why I messed up the car!" Van yelled. 'Its not. I did it to piss her off,' he thought to himself as he stared at Deaq thinking.

"You're admitting it then! You do like her!" Deaq quickly read into his words. Van's mouth almost dropped when he realized what he had said. He had definitely let it slip that time.

"No, I'm not! No, I don't!" Van tried to cover his blunder. "I hate the bitch! All she ever does is push my buttons and try to get me to wrap myself around her finger! I've become her damn minion!"

"Then tell me… is it because you think you have to, or because you actually like to?" Deaq questioned, pinning Van with his question in a position where any answer would get him in trouble.

"I have to! She's my boss! She has the power to throw me out of here on my ass and send me back to writing parking tickets for the rest of my life!" Van tactically answered so he wouldn't get himself in anymore trouble than he was already in.

"Whatever, Van. You keep telling yourself that, and I'll keep thinking it's bull shit," Deaq replied, leaving the bathroom before Van had time to think about it. He slammed the door shut behind him and looked in the mirror again. His head was spinning. This was definitely time to look for some Vicodin. Van opened the mirror over the sink and began to look through it for some kind of pain killer. He searched through the many bottles Billie kept there, noting her taste in expensive drugs and over the counter medications until he hit the strong sleeping pills at the top of the cabinet. He grabbed them, his mind immediately turning from the pain in his forehead to the staple gun he still had stashed in his car. If this wasn't the perfect time to get Deaq back for what he wrote on his face, then when was?

Van snuck out of the bathroom and headed for the coffee pot in the lounge to grab a couple of cups and conveniently slip the pills into Deaq's, knocking him out effectively. He had a very good feeling these were the same pills Billie had slipped into his coffee the day before, so he knew they would probably work very well with what he was trying to do. As he ran back downstairs with the coffee, he made sure to sit down at his usual spot in Billie's office so that Deaq wouldn't suspect anything when he handed him his cup of coffee. Van began to smile as his mind ran over what was just about to happen. As soon as Deaq was unconscious, he'd grab the staple gun to his car. Now, what wall would he staple Deaq to? That was a question Van decided he'd tackle later. Right now, getting Deaq his coffee was the most important thing.

Deaq returned to the showroom a few minutes later. Van held the coffee cup over his head and waited for him to grab it. "Thanks," Deaq said as he sat down beside him and took a few sips. "Is this Billie's special?" he questioned, the taste being a bit bitter for him.

"You know it," Van replied, hiding the smile that was threatening to creep up onto his lips and expose him.

"You didn't slip anything in here, did you?" Deaq added, giving Van a hard stare to make sure he was telling the truth.

"Now what would make me go and do that?" Van responded, giving him a hard stare back. He definitely had a great poker face on today. Everything Deaq was reading off him was totally fake. 'Wonderful!' Van thought, smiling inwardly.

Deaq shook his head and continued drinking his coffee without giving him a reply. Van watched eagerly, waiting with unbelievable patience for the drugs to kick in and knock his partner out. The anticipation was killing him, but the payoff at the end would be all worth it. Just seeing the look on Billie's face when she found Deaq hanging from a wall unconscious would be a reward in and unto itself.

Finally after several minutes in limbo, Deaq's eyes began to droop and his head started to bob. This was it! Van stood up just as his head hit the desk in front of him to make sure he was out cold. Low and behold, he got his wish.

Deaq was out for the count, and Van's plan was about to be put into action. He ran out to his car, grabbed the staple gun, and started looking for the best place to put Deaq where Billie would easily spot him. He found it moments later… the back door near the basketball court. Billie would definitely see him there clear as daylight. He quickly got to business, dragging the unconscious body of his partner towards the door, staple gun charging at an outlet close by. This was going to be fun, and Van knew it; maybe even more fun than what he did to Billie's car. That definitely put a bigger smile on his face.

Van dragged Deaq over to the wall and then stopped. "Well, damn it, how in the hell am I gonna get him up there?" Van asked himself. Finally he just bit the bullet and without much thought hoisted Deaq up against the wall and pressing him there with his chest as he quickly stapled the corner of his shirt to the wall.

Van tried to pull away to see how it looked but when he did, he realized that he had stapled himself to the wall along with Deaq! He carefully reached for the staple remover in his back pocket and plucked out the staple. The next time around, Van made sure that his shirt was clear of the gun before he stapled Deaq. The arms and legs came first, then the rest of his body. When Van had finished, he stepped back and surveyed his work. His partner was now spread eagle, sound asleep and stapled to the wall with drool slowly making its way down the corner of his mouth.

Van couldn't help himself. He ran to his locker and found a Burger King crown and a Polaroid camera. Quickly rushing back to the showroom to make sure that Deaq remained undisturbed, he placed the crown on top of his head. Van looked at his work of art, which was all he could do to keep from busting a gut right then and there. He stepped back and lifted the camera. Once the framing was right, he snapped the picture of a lifetime.

It was now time for Van to crumple to the floor laughing hysterically, his eyes stinging with tears as he tried to calm down, but couldn't. Before he knew it, a door behind him slammed and the distinct clicking of Billie's heels against cement could be heard throughout the Candy Store. They stopped suddenly as he looked up to see her standing there before him, her eyes glued to Deaq's unconscious form suspended from the door by staples. Van began to laugh harder as the expressions on her face showed what she was clearly thinking. First it was "What the fuck," followed by "Holy shit," then "Oh, my God," until finally, she burst out laughing. Billie fell to the floor beside Van, unable to keep upright any longer. This was definitely the funniest thing she had seen besides Van in that animal suit.

Billie and Van lay helplessly on the floor laughing and looking at the shrine Van had stapled to the wall. Their laughing was so loud Deaq began to stir. Seeing this only served to make Billie grab a hold of Van so she wouldn't fall off the earth from laughing. Deaq knew he should have been able to get comfy so he tried to move again, but couldn't. So he did what any man would do, he tried harder. "Damn it, why the hell can't I..." he said as he opened his eyes and saw Van and Billie on the floor in hysterics. Deaq looked down to find himself stuck to some wall unable to move. He didn't know what was holding him up, but he knew it had to be one of their doings.

"What the hell did you do to me?" Deaq yelled at them, but that only made their laughing worse. "Get me the fuck down! NOW!"

"Nice job, Ray," Billie giggled as she sat up in his arms and looked at Deaq again, this time able to just sit and grin at him instead of nearly die laughing.

"Why, thank you, sir," Van replied, taking note that she was in his arms leaning against his chest as she tried to hold herself upright.

Billie took note as well. This definitely felt nice. The warmth of his chest against her back was comforting. As long as Deaq didn't get any ideas from this, she wouldn't mind doing it again. She quickly snapped out of her thoughts when she felt Van's arms tighten just a little around her. She consciously snuggled closer as she continued to giggle at Deaq's prone form, making sure that Van noticed.

And he did notice. Van tightened his arms around her a little more, smiling as he too looked at Deaq and laughed at his work. Billie's body felt nice snuggled up against his. Maybe he could get used to this. Maybe this was something they could share when Deaq wasn't around. Unconsciously, he got a little closer to her neck, his lips so close to her skin he could feel the heat radiating off of it. This was definitely exciting and exhilarating. He would have to try this again sometime.

"Hey, I know y'all are enjoying yourselves down there but GET ME DOWN!" Deaq yelled, knocking them both out of their little fantasy lands. Van quickly pulled away from Billie and stood up while she tried to forget what happened as she sat on the floor wondering how she could have let herself go for that long.

Van was left alone to take Deaq down from the wall. He grabbed the staple remover from his pocket and started the tedious task of removing all the staples that were holding Deaq up against the wall. The only problem he encountered was what would happen once he took down most of the staples. As he took another staple out of the wall, he heard a slow rip. Van stepped back to see what the hell was going on, and at that moment, Deaq began to slide down the all, his clothes beginning to rip where the last staples were attached.

"Oh, SHIT!" he yelled. Van and Billie were standing back watching Deaq slide down the wall. It looked as if he were going in slow motion. He hit the floor with a thud and the laughter started all over again on a slightly lesser scale. Deaq sat up and glared at Van. "Dude! My clothes! Look at them!" he shouted as Van laughed.

Van just stood there and stared as Deaq got up. "Dude, how was I to know you were about to fall?" Van asked as innocently as possible. Even before Deaq answered, Billie laughed knowing the answer herself.

"Well, the rip coulda set off some sort of clue in your head I would think! Do untorn clothes rip, Van? No!" Deaq yelled as Van regained his composure.

"Well, I guess not," Van said. He turned around, pulled Billie up from the floor and walked away.

Deaq stood there with his shirt torn and his ego bruised. "You're not gonna tell anyone down at the precinct are you?" he asked as she turned to walk away.

"Why wouldn't I? That was pretty damn hysterical and the boys would love to here about it," she said.

"You two are so gonna pay for this," Deaq growled as he stood up and made his way to the door. He had to go home and change out of the torn clothes. Afterwards, he'd make his own plan of revenge to get back at both of them. Until then, he was stuck with no clue as to how he'd hit Van and Billie where they hurt most.

Van watched Deaq leave the warehouse and sighed with relief. It had definitely been a close call with Billie that afternoon. He knew he was getting in over his head now, and his feelings for her were getting stronger by the minute. He wanted so badly to take his partner's advice about telling her now before it was too late, but he was afraid that she'd just laugh in his face and make fun of him for the rest of his life. That's the last thing Van wanted. So, he held back and watched her as she sat down in her office and booted up her computer. She looked absolutely ravishing today in her black full length skirt, red shirt, and matching black formal jacket. Van closed his eyes as he leaned against one of the support beams.

From the speakers in Billie's office, the soft and slow melody of Sarah McLachlan's "I Love You" began to play. Van opened his eyes and found himself making his way towards her. Once he reached her desk and she turned around to look at him with those beautiful blue eyes, he extended his hand. She took it, surprisingly, and stood up as he led her to a spot in her office where there was a little more free space.

_I have a smile   
Stretched from ear to ear   
To see you walking down the road   
__   
We meet at the lights   
I stare for a while   
The world around disappears _

Van wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her closer to him as she continued to stare up at him with those magnificent eyes of hers. Billie leaned in a little closer and gently rested her head on his shoulder. He liked the feeling of her being so close. He never wanted to let go of this moment.

_It's just you and me   
On this island of hope   
A breath between us could be miles   
__   
Let me surround you   
My sea to your shore   
Let me be the calm you seek   
__   
Oh and every time I'm close to you   
There's too much I can't say   
And you just walk away _

Van could feel her sigh deeply, showing him that she liked this just as much as he did. If only this moment could last forever. If only it would never end. Letting go was something Van desperately tried not to think about. He wanted this too much, and now that he had the chance, he'd tell Billie everything. But still, he remained silent, letting the song tell it for him.

_And I forgot   
To tell you   
I love you   
And the night's   
Too long   
And cold here   
Without you   
I grieve in my condition   
For I cannot find the words to say  
I need you so _

And at this moment, words failed to describe what he was feeling. The touch of her hand gently enveloped in his, the feel of her body so close that he could feel the heat, and the sweet scent of her hair as it brushed up against his skin was something that not even Shakespeare could write a poem about. Van took it all in slowly, savoring it like ice cream, until he felt her pull away slightly.

Their eyes met once more in a passionate gaze that seemed to slow time to the point where it was only the two of them occupying the vast expanse of the earth. Van looked down at her eyes shining like diamonds in firelight, so filled with unspoken love that it made his feelings pale in comparison. Her hand gently made its way to his cheek, letting it rest there as she leaned in a little closer, her lips in range for that kiss both so desperately wanted to share.

_Oh and every time I'm close to you   
There's too much I can't say   
And you just walk away   
__   
And I forgot   
To tell you   
I love you   
And the night's   
Too long   
And cold here   
Without you   
I grieve in my condition   
For I cannot find the words to say  
__I need you s__o_

Van finally couldn't take it any longer. He closed his eyes again and made a desperate dash for her lips, but was unable to find them. He opened his eyes once more to find that this had all been a vivid dream and that Billie was now standing a few feet away from him with an odd expression on her face. The music had ended, as had the mood, and he quickly came to his senses.

Van looked down trying to hide the blush that came to his face and pushed himself off the beam as he made his way out of the showroom and upstairs to the lounge. He could only hope that Billie hadn't realized what had just happened. If she could see what his thoughts were at the moment, he'd never live to see another day.

Billie, on the other hand, really didn't know what the hell was going on with Van. She could only guess that he had gone off into nana land and had a really wacky dream. She didn't care what kind of dream it was as long as it didn't have her as one of the main characters. For some reason, the more she thought about that, the more it hurt. Was she ready to admit she was falling for Van Ray after all these months of working so close to him?

'NO!' Billie yelled at herself internally. 'No way, no how, uh-uh! But…' There was always that "but." She hated that "but" because she knew it meant that deep down inside there was something gnawing at her soul telling that she was in love with him and that one of these days it would come around to bite her in the ass. 'Maybe that's not such a bad thing…' Billie started to think then realized that she was getting in over her head again. She pushed all those thoughts aside and stared working on the loads of paperwork that had made their way to her inbox that afternoon.

Finally reaching his apartment, Deaq set to work planning out the idea for revenge against Van that struck him while he was stuck in traffic on the 405… spray paint. He didn't know how the idea hit him, but he knew how he was going to execute it. Two words… trip wire. The thought brought a smile to his face as he walked into his room and began rummaging through his closet for another set of clothes since the ones he was wearing now were completely destroyed.

After putting on a regular white tee shirt and a pair of comfortable jeans, he walked back outside and headed for the hardware store to put his plan into motion. He brought several yards of string and about twenty cans of different colored spray paint, hot pink, electric blue, blazing orange, highlighter yellow, florescent green, and several other colors that fit into the "bright" category, colors he knew would get peoples attention if they took one look at Van after the incident was over. The smile on his face grew as his thoughts began to form a solid plan in his head. He checked out quickly and made his way to Van's place. He knew his partner was probably stuck doing Billie's dirty work again that afternoon, so he had plenty of time set everything up.

Deaq started with the front door and the first color, hot pink, tying the string around the nozzle so that when Van walked into the room, he'd get sprayed in the face. He continued putting his little booby traps all over the other doors in the apartment until he reached the bathroom, the pinnacle of his plan. This was where he set up the rest of the cans of spray paint, about ten total, with an intricate assemblage of strings that all connected to the one at the bottom of the door that sprayed them all the moment Van stepped on it. He laughed at the picture popping into his head as he stepped over the cords carefully, making his way out of there before his partner returned from work.

Before he left the apartment, Deaq spied a video camera lying across the couch. He decided to add insult to injury and set up the camera in the bathroom to catch the final spray as it happened. He couldn't wait to see the look on Van's face when he realized what Deaq had done. This was definitely going to be one of those times the wait was worth it. He slowly made his way out of the apartment once more and headed back to his place to make sure he wasn't caught in the act.

Van returned home late that night, tired and dying to lie down in his bed. Billie had worked him to the bone, barking orders like he was her lap dog. He obediently obeyed and did as he was asked, hoping that he'd get a little flirting in before he left, but that didn't happen. She seemed a little more on the edge that night than usual, so he went home without bothering to make a comment about how lovely she looked.

As he stepped into the apartment his thoughts were still on Billie. Van unlocked the door and turned the knob. As the door opened and he stepped inside, Van hit the trip wire and got a blast of hot pink spray paint right on his chest, neck and face. "What the fuck!" he growled as he closed the door. He made his way into the living room as he wiped the paint away from his eyes. Whoever had done that was gonna pay. He decided to go in the bedroom to change out of his ruined clothes. He opened the door and got a blast of lime green and electric blue spray paint on his pants and again, in his face. "Who the hell…?" Van yelled. He was getting pissed now.

'Okay, the closet should be safe,' he thought as he walked over and opened the door, only to get hit on both sides of the head with highlighter yellow and electric blue spray paint. Van was beyond yelling now. He just pulled out some new clothes and grumbled as he headed to the bathroom. He hesitated before opening the door. 'Hell, might as well just get it over with,' he thought, grabbing the knob and slowly pulling on it. Walking inside with his eyes closed, the last of the spray paint cans hit him full force, including shocking pink, blazing orange, and lime green.

Van flipped on the light and looked at himself in the mirror. He was covered head to toe. "They're gonna pay for this," he mumbled as he disrobed and got in the shower. Little did he know about the camera hidden behind the toilet.

The next day was like something out of the pages of Hell. Van walked into the Candy Store to hear shrieks of laughter emanating from Billie's office. He instantly knew it had something to do with what had happened last night and decided to find out what. She and Deaq were hovering over her monitor, watching the screen intently until they burst out laughing again.

"What's so funny?" Van asked as he walked up to them and tried to take a look.

"Oh, nothing," Deaq replied innocently as he gave him one of his deceptive smiles and turned back around. Van shoved him out of the way to see what Billie was watching. To his horror, it was a tape of his spray paint disaster.

"Where the fuck did you get that!" Van yelled as he grabbed Deaq by the collar and nearly threw him to the floor. He managed to get out of Van's hold but didn't say anything, fearing for his own safety.

"Oh, quit being a drama queen," Billie scolded as she stopped the tape and put it in her desk, making sure she locked it up tight and slipped the key into her bra, making sure that he had seen her do it.

Van was instantly quieted by her subtle gesture as his mouth hung open. He began to wonder what had made her do that until she walked up to him and whispered, "By the way, nice package." Billie walked away without looking back to see the astonished and befuddled look on his face. What she meant by that he'd probably never know, but it was sure fun to think about the possibilities.

Part 8: Quack! Quack!

Home


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